Accountability Without Shame
Huh?
BUT THEY HAVE TO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE!!!!
When I hear that phrase, I translate it to this person wants to make (whoever they’re talking about) feel bad about (whatever it is they did).
Of course! That’s how people learn! Through shame and blame, right?
Right?
I’m thinking since you’re reading this, you already know that meaningful learning is extremely difficult through shame and blame.
When was the last time you felt shame? What were you needing in that moment?
If you need to take a minute to breathe, please do so. Processing shame is hard.
Accountability is related to responsibility but from a different angle. Accountability is more about oversight - the making sure that someone has a “good” explanation for what they did, accounting for their actions. Responsibility is an internal orientation, but one that leads to accountability. When I am fully self-responsible for my actions, I position myself to be accountable.
Side note of nuance (take or leave): I would prefer to leave accountability out of this as it orients to an outside behavioral compass which is disconnecting. I prefer the internal, connecting orientation towards needs. Do you feel the difference?
NVC is perfect for this. In NVC, self-responsibility (and therefore accountability) is fully possible without shame and blame, because we focus on the needs. So how do we guide our children to be self-responsible little people?
I can think of several things.
Have age appropriate expectations.
E.g. a five year old is not going to have the skills and insight to consistently be self-responsible. They may be able to connect to their needs, but to regularly articulate the connection from their needs to their behaviour? No. Nor can they always understand how their actions have affected others. Just sometimes.Model. Model. Model.
“I can imagine that when I yelled at you to get up this morning that you felt sad, and maybe wished you had my support instead of me yelling, is that right? Not a fun way to start the day, is it?”Be curious.
Curiosity may have killed the cat, but it helps our children blossom. When a beloved caregiver is curious instead of (understandably!) frustrated, our children have guidance, in a safe environment to think about and understand their actions. Frustration or blame from us, which converts to shame in them, is hard to think through. Their emotional safety mechanisms kick in: rote apologies, crying, anger, etc.
A supported, curious conversation, when there is mutual, authentic calm, might sound something like this:
“Hey, what was going on there?”
“I don’t know.”
“It seemed like you were feeling mad. Were you?”
“Yeah! She wouldn’t let me hold it!”
“Oh. You wanted to hold it.”
“Yeah! And she wouldn’t let me and kept telling me to go away and telling me I’m nasty.”
“Oh! I see.” Deliberate pause.
“I just wanted to look at it!”
“Yeah, it seems so simple doesn’t it? To let you look at it.”
“I hate her!”
“It’s so hard to live with a sibling isn’t it?”
“I wish she wasn’t in our family.”
Deep, but subtle breathing. “It’s that hard! Do you just get sooo frustrated when she won’t do what you ask? Do you wish you had that power?”
”I just wanted to see it.”
“And how did you ask?”
“I said…I said…I asked…I don’t remember.”
“Did you just grab it?”
Shoulders slump. “Yeah, I just grabbed it. And then I chased her.”
“Because you wanted to see it so bad.”
“Yeah. I wanted to be included. She wasn’t including me.”
“Oh it’s so hard when we want to be included, and we’re not.”
“Yeah.”
“What do you think it felt like for her when you grabbed it and chased her?”
“I don’t know. Scary.”
“What do you think she was needing?”
“I don’t know. Peace. Respect.”
“Yeah probably. That’s what I would guess too. Do you think she trusts that you’ll give it back?”
“I will! I will give it back!”
“Yeah, but when you grab for it without asking, do you think she trusts that, in that moment?”
“Oh probably not.”
“What might you do to increase that trust?”
Without responding, he leaps off his chair to go try again.Offer support. E.g. Instead of, “You’re going to clear up that mess,” try, “Hey, we’re leaving soon, can I help you clear this up?” (This is helpful for my six year old, who loves to do things with me. My eight year old can generally clear up his own messes but needs more support transitioning from fun activity to the actual clean up.)
Age appropriate expectations, curiosity, modeling of self-responsibility and impact awareness, and offering age-appropriate support create an environment in which self-responsibility can blossom. We show our children what it looks like and support them in understanding themselves without the component of shame.
Self-responsibility can be fostered in an environment where children are safe, seen, heard and understood.