Adult Conflict as a Means to Connection
Not Kidding
This is for the adults. Co-parents. Colleagues. It can help with kiddos too.
At some point in the last five years, a revolution occurred in how Matt and I navigate conflict.
To be clear, this was after I pissed him off by trying to bring stilted, formulaic Nonviolent Communication to our conversations. He didn’t appreciate me asking him, “Are you feeling x, because you’re needing y?” Super annoying.
Once we got over that bump, I began giving us both a vision of how I wanted this conversation to go.
Even if we don’t finish this conversation tonight, I want us both to end it tonight knowing that we love each other very much. That I love you very much, and this difficulty is just temporary.
I want us to try to remember that we both want the same thing for the children, even though we have different strategies now.
I want us to remember we are on the same team, and right now we have different strategies but both have the same values.
This is very hard, and I want to take a second to reassure each other that we love each other, that we’ll get into bed tonight connected and I can kiss you goodnight.
Writing these out is easy. But in the heat of the moment, it feels very vulnerable to say these things out loud. It would be much easier to walk out of the room and initiate the silent treatment.
But, there’s something very settling in placing a vision on the metaphorical table, something we can both look at and strive towards. It increases togetherness and moves us towards connection when we are disconnected.
When we disagree, I learn something about Matt that I didn’t know before, and I can address it. Sometimes, I am too triggered and he is willing to come to me. There’s more togetherness and than ever before.
What this has done, over time, is increase our trust in each other when we disagree. Our vulnerability has increased and conflict can now be a source of deeper connection and deeper understanding when we come out the other side.
Isn’t that something?
Conflict can now be a source of deeper connection and deeper understanding.
We still have to go through the sticky parts, but there’s bigger trust now, that we will get there.
More recently, we have begun to automatically move into a more Convergent Facilitation-ey type of conflict resolution, which is also super helpful. Finding our common ground and coming up with creative solutions is both exciting and connecting.
Deeper connection, more understanding, being seen, heard and understood by my honey.
My cup runneth over.