Attunement

With the Help of Nonviolent Communication

I had a difficult time attuning to my five year old last night.

I am still recovering from this round of chemo and there was a meltdown happening in my kitchen while I was trying to heat up dinner. It was noisy. I blocked a few projectiles, a few kicks, and replaced the rug (under which was so much dust and food further reducing my capacity to be present).

I want to be more respectful to my daughter than I would be by dishing out the details. So here are the takeaways.

• It wasn’t about what she said it was about.

• She’d had a long, fun-filled day, busy day with a trusted friend and her children; my daughter was tired.

• It was dinner time; she was hungry.

Here is how I used NVC:

Observation: It’s dinner time. I have set a limit. My ears are hurting from the screaming.

Feeling: Overwhelm, soon to be anger.

Needs: Peace. Ease in making dinner. Respect.

Request: I didn’t have one.

But, getting to the observation and need did give me the separation to find a quick strategy. I got my ear defenders out. This is massively helpful, allowing me to stay literally physically present (the screaming hurts my ears) and emotionally present.

When I think of attunement, I imagine this calm, centered human peering into the eyes of an upset beloved, using soft words that calms the beloved down.

Well, that’s great when that’s what said beloved wants. But when I am the stimulation for the upset (i.e. I’m holding a limit), yet am also the source of attunement, it can look very different.

Here’s how it looked for us:

My daughter wanted to be close to me - she remained in the kitchen, but didn’t want me next to her talking to her.

Through the small gap that she left in the door of the lazy Susan, where she hid, her brother handed her some raw green beans and bell pepper that I had cut up as pre-dinner snack.

I continued making dinner, seeing her, letting her know I knew she was there, letting her know I was making dinner when she told me to go away if I got too close but otherwise, I carried on.

After twenty long minutes, she moved on.

I didn’t ignore her. I stayed present, and at the distance she most seemed comfortable.

My ear defenders met my need sufficiently for peace. This allowed me to be attuned sufficiently that my daughter stayed close but not flailing, making it easy to make dinner. And I was respectful the way I went about it. (Notice I’m not looking for respect from her.)

Mona Delahooke posted this to facebook:

And I once heard Sarah Peyton describe attunement as like tuning our radio to the frequency of another. We are still are own radio but we can pick up the signals.

Dan Siegel says, “attuned communication involves the resonance of energy and information between two people.”

What does this mean in terms of relationships? Especially as caregivers to little people.

Attunement means that we are really hearing what’s going on for our child but without becoming their emotions, without being washed away in that tide.

Where Nonviolent Communication can help, is in allowing us to remain separated but connected; integrated.

When we can hear the needs (sustenance! agency! power in my world!) under the crazy communications erupting from our little ones, we can separate out the truth from the story, the needs and the strategies swimming around in us and we can become truly attuned. And provide that architecture for self regulation.