Family Discussions About War
Using Nonviolent Communication
Oye.
Last night at dinner, the Russian invasion of Ukraine came up as well as the topic of nuclear war. We haven’t kept this particular news from the children for multiple reasons, two of which are: 1) my son loves to listen to the news in the car and 2) we didn’t really think it was going to get this far.
Reminder, my children are seven and five.
So now we have this super interesting topic!!! that leaves Matt and I feeling devastated, helpless and angry and wanting to be able to make meaningful contributions.
Here are some excerpts.
We had questions like: how big of an explosion would it be if a nuclear bomb was the size of this tomato?
This one was easy: I have no clue.
There were lots of fact-based questions too: What’s in a nuclear bomb? How big of a missile? How big of a (fill in the blank)? What are people in Ukraine doing right now? How fast do missiles fly?
We also had questions like: Why would Putin want to do this?
Here’s a needs-based answer: I imagine that Putin’s need for appreciation or maybe power is constantly unmet for him. And maybe, related to that, his sense of safety and mattering in the world. And it’s so, so strong that no one else matters to him.
Pro tip: Keep answers as short as possible. Ask me how I know this.
Another tough one: What will happen to all those people?
This is where keeping out the details of what is likely would be helpful/protective for little minds.
An honest answer: I don’t know exactly, but I imagine that they will not feel safe for a long time, they will try their hardest to fight to keep a choice about how their country is run, and they will work together to do that.
Third one: Why are some people doing what Putin tells them to do?
This one is harder: It’s really hard to know. We can guess that it may also give them a sense of power, or it may help them feel safer if they do what he wants.
Can you see how basing an answer in needs removes all the difficulty of making up crap that sounds good, removes all the judgements and stories and brings it back to something we can all relate to?
It expands the narrative that our children are growing into. It expands their perspective on why we do the things we do, and grounds them in the truth that we are all human.
There are some really helpful, respectful and clear pieces from Janet Lansbury about discussing heavy topics with children and the ground rules to follow.
Some of the guidelines that we try to follow in our house:
Let the child lead with the questions - a child-led discussion is more likely to remain age appropriate;
Welcome the curiosity - be the safe place they can bring their tough questions;
Protect children from details and concepts that they don’t have the emotional capacity to grasp - the physical and emotional horror of nuclear war that I understand is not something I want to communicate in this discussion;
Keep your own emotional weight to yourself (and later share with a trusted adult) - children don’t need to grasp impact of this. Stick to the questions;
Be open and honest - they always know when we’re hiding something and it’s more worrisome to them.
It’s always okay to answer with an honest, I don’t know.
In nonviolent communication there are no good guys, no bad guys, no empty judgments (like good guys and bad guys), but meaningful discussions of strategies, needs met and unmet. This helps us get to the deepest truth possible, allows us to hold both the horror and humanity within war. We can grasp the ungraspable. And so can our children.
It’s powerful, honest, open and satisfying. I don’t find myself at a loss for words, how am I going to explain THIS? Because I can always bring it back to the needs.
Remember:
The more we can stay with universal human needs the more honest we can be without scaring or scarring our children.
There is no conflict at the level of need, only at the level of strategy.
Here’s a list of universal human needs.
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Would you like to discuss what it would look like to bring the principles of Nonviolent Communication into your home? I am offering NVC coaching.