Fighting in NVC
Expressing From the Heart
This is inspired by Key Assumptions and Intentions of NVC.
Matt and I had an argument and it went kinda well. It was messy, and yet, I left the conversation understanding more about Matt, knowing him more deeply, and through that, gaining greater connection. There is new depth to the respect I have for him.
I want this for everyone! So I’ve taken the essence, the principles and the tools to share with you, and left what’s personal, to protect our humanity and sense of safety.
Two pieces about our argument that I think are universal to couples: One, it was about money. Or was it?; Two, the number of people in an argument is equal to or less than the number of interpretations that can be made about any given phrase or action.
So, this argument-that-went-kinda-well: maybe it was a disagreement, or maybe it wasn’t even that. It was a sorting through, and gaining clarity of, a misunderstanding. I cried from frustration. It could have, very easily, been loud, blame-filled, huffy and angry but we remained respectful and we stayed with the needs, mostly.
Here are some of the things that led me to believe that it was okay to have this conversation in front of the kids:
Matt and I had previously established trust (through experience) that it is possible to disagree and still communicate our truth with care and respect.
I want to model this level of comfort and self-connection in disagreements. (Wherever there are humans gathered there will always be conflict. How we choose to resolve conflict affects our sense of belonging, mattering, being seen, heard and understood, among other things.)
I want to model care and respect in the midst of a disagreement.
I want to model holding my own mattering as well as holding Matt’s mattering, and vice versa.
I want to model self-responsibility during a disagreement.
Side Bar About Self-Responsibility
Self-responsibility is the key to respectful conversations where horrible judgments, analyses and stories about the other person are flying about, like flies on a scorching summer day.
A lack of self-responsibility (with judgments, analyses, stories) might sound like this:
I don’t like it when you act all shady, putting your phone away as soon as I walk into a room, like you’re trying to cover something up. It makes me think you’re untrustworthy. How am I supposed to feel when you act like that? It’s probably because your Dad was an asshole about your phone use when you were a teenager.
Self-responsibility is recognizing and acknowledging that the source of our feelings and behaviour is internal. We are our own source of our feelings. No one else.
This looks like speaking our truth in terms of observations, feelings and needs and consciously acknowledging our judgments, analyses and stories as what they are; not truth.
Example: When I walk into a room and you’re looking at your phone, and you immediately put down your phone, it leaves me lacking trust in the security of our relationship.
It can be helpful to convey our judgments, analyses and stories as a self-responsible, gift of information to the other person about what is going on in our head.
When we are self-responsible, there is no blame.
Example: When I walk into a room and you’re looking at your phone, and you immediately put down your phone, I have this story that you must be spending money on something you don’t want me to see. I start thinking about how we don’t have extra to spend and my head starts to spiral. Even though I know you’ve said you’re just trying to be polite and not look at your phone in others’ company, you immediately putting down your phone still stimulates a lack of trust and safety in me.
Can you sense how vulnerable that is? The observation removes the judgments and stories. That removes the sting for the person on the receiving end, and also shines a light on the objective truth of what’s happening. The needs are the truth of what’s happening inside us. It is vulnerable to speak of our needs, yet we cannot get to any deeper truth. The acknowledgment and gift of information of our stories and judgments offers insight as to why our needs are unmet.
We then make a request, because leaving this hanging with another person can be stimulating (think defensiveness, even with no blame). So we follow it with a request:
Example: Do you think, when I walk into a room and you’re on your phone, you could just acknowledge me with a “Hey Babe,” and then tell me you’re going to finish your text to Janet before you engage with me? It would really help me feel a lot safer.
Can you feel how settling that request could be if you were on the receiving end?
Do you see how self-responsibility turns what could be this whole, huge, accusatory, mean, upsetting argument into a vulnerable sharing of needs, with an easy resolution?
Another Side Bar: What is, and what is not, an observation?
Not an observation: you’re so irresponsible with money.
Observation: You have overdrawn our bank account three times in the last month.
Not an observation: You want to spend money on stupid stuff.
Observation: You bought a lamp, a riding lawnmower for our tiny patch of grass, and some large, plastic testicles to hang on the back of your truck.
Real Life
Back to Matt and me.
We agreed upon the following observation: When [an opportunity for spending money] came up, we had two or three short conversations about it.
Remember I wondered if it was really about money? It wasn’t. It’s never about the money. Money is a strategy for meeting needs. It always boils down to our needs. And our own interpretation of events leads to our needs being met or unmet.
So, because of the stories in my head, our two or three short conversations about it, left my need for mattering massively unmet. It wasn’t the content of those conversations, just the fact that we had them at all. I had horrid stories about why we had those conversations, why Matt would have wanted those conversations. I could explain the details, but it gets complicated and leaving them out is part of the point—the details are not necessary for the learning here. The point is, a thing happened and I had stories which led to an unmet need. I wanted to know that I mattered.
Matt was confused. For him, having these conversations made total sense and met his needs for collaboration, clarity, understanding, exploration.
But by taking responsibility for our interpretations and conveying our needs to each other, we were able to stay in communication, stay out of our triggers, remain respectful and caring while sharing our deepest trust. Our kids got to witness it all, while they were coloring at the table.
We went to bed trusting that we love each other and with more clarity about what on earth just happened. And our kids went to bed feeling safe and secure, having just witnessed a (little bit messy but) loving, respectful expression of hurt, upset and misunderstanding.
Cycle shifted, this time.
The Way Between
Joseph and I are making our way through the Ari Ara Series by Rivera Sun and I want to shout their existence from the rooftops. They are the long, epic tales of a young shepherdess and her journey into bringing nonviolence to her people to save them from war. These books are evocative, heart-wrenching and heart-warming. We’ve laughed and I’ve cried while reading them, and I want everyone to know about them.
When I was first began chemo I took them and finished them during my infusions, I was so hooked.
We’re reading Desert Song, and here is a passage that stood out to me, because of it’s timeless nature:
The grandmothers who had grown up before the war yearned for the fairness of the village sings. Their lined faces crinkled with distaste as they complained about warriors-rule. It was one thing for the warriors to assume the mantle of authority when the Harraken were under attack, but in times of peace, warriors should not be settling disputes over wandering chickens and broken hearts and which fields to plant with what crops. How would they understand why one grandmother couldn’t share a house with another, but must be respectfully accommodated at the other end of the village? How could they know that the rocky field would support kerat grain, but would need twice as much water? How would the warriors know the importance of negotiating clay rights evenly among the potters? How would they understand the need to allocate timber harvests for new looms instead of spears and shields?
When voices are silenced from the Harraken Song, Mahteni thought darkly, the music is not complete.
Here is a link to the books.
I love this! I am learning SO much about intimate dynamics of long term relationship in my present growth spurt of life. Years into partnership and I continue to discover myself, and deepen layers of vulnerability. The stories in my stories feel layered and maze like at times, and regardless of "what" my sweetheart and I are navigating in moments of challenge, the truth of whats unraveling has little to do with the story that opened the doorway to our wounds, and more to do with the stories that have been living in our unmet needs. My current of learning is devoted to WHOLENESS, and that seems to require traveling INTO the various spaces of feeling fractured, fractaled and separate with the willingness to incrementally integrate myself. Uncomfortable, challenging, beautiful, revealing. And having a human to trust as a participant in this process is priceless. Fully agree - kids witnessing humans being humans is deeply necessary for their own understanding of our complex journey here on Earth.