Finding the Human Beneath Self-Doubt

Not Just For Parents

Bird bones on my dining table. Not the first time.

I have a lingering self belief that I am not enough.

Someone I know has a self belief that they don’t matter.

I am unworthy, I don’t belong, I am hopeless, I am unlovable. Any of these sound familiar?

My “not enough” shows up every day. Especially in my parenting.

Here is how I work with it through Nonviolent Communication. This is NVC in its most pure form, one we call OFNR - for observations, feelings, needs, requests.

Here it is:

When I responded curtly or with an energy of annoyance to the children (observation),

I felt ashamed, sad, hurt, lonely, (feelings, obvs.)

Because my needs for connection, emotional safety for the children, care, compassion, understanding, being seen (both me and them), are not met (needs),

And next time this belief pops up, I want to remember that I am human too and I want to try to identify the needs I was trying to meet (request).

That’s it.

Do you notice that the story, I am not good enough, never even showed up?

“We can focus on the story, or we can focus on the beautiful, life-serving needs.”

Then, I can consider the needs I was trying to meet by my reaction.

Space? Yes, my need for space is constantly undermet. Peace? That one too. Being seen? Yuppers.

Notice how my behavior actually left those needs unmet?

But when I sit with my needs and those I was trying to meet, I settle in my body, and alternative strategies open up to me.

I can read to the children, or color with them, which usually opens up space for me afterwards and we are connected and together. (Case in point, we have had a beautifully peaceful day which started out with a lot of reading together on the couch, plus more together-time activities. Now they have taken themselves outside. I have space and peace.)

Can you see how much more connected and honest this process makes my thinking? It’s far more honest than the story that I’m not a good/caring/loving enough mother. It’s a truthful recounting of a moment, it’s impact on me and a strategy for moving forward.

Have fun finding the human beneath your self-doubt.

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