Freedom in Being Heard
So Simple, So Difficult
Yesterday, I was part of a team that gave an introductory training on Restorative Circles and restorative practices to a middle school in Seattle.
After practicing a listening exercise, I got to hear how powerful was the act of listening-to-reflect and truly being heard. A word that came up more than once for the staff was “free”. As in, I feel so free having been heard.
Yes!
I have experienced this and I have witnessed it in both adults and children. When we are fully heard, we have more freedom to hear others, to be kind to ourselves, to explore other options…
This has come up recently at home. We have just moved house and we now have other children across the street. Instant friends! We’ll call these friends C and B.
With that instant friendship has come squabbles. There are four strong-willed children, so there have been screams, tears of frustration and yelling in addition to the desire to be around each other.
What this has meant is there is a lot of “Sarah! Joseph did [something terrible]!” Or “Sarah! Joseph’s not letting us…” or “Mummy! C said [something terrible]!”
With one particular upset, Joseph made a bid for connection and shared enjoyment with B. His strategy left B’s needs for safety, consideration and peace unmet. B went home crying. Joseph was confused and mad. B’s strategy of leaving had left Joseph’s needs for safety and consideration unmet also.
The next day, Joseph came to me and asked if I would help him have a conversation with B. He wanted to reconcile, and he knew what that involved - me hearing both of them. I was grateful that his past experiences with me hearing him and Aubrey had instilled trust of the process and my ability to hold it.
I asked B if he was willing to have a conversation about it. He said no, so we dropped it. I imagine that he didn’t trust that he would be heard, seen or understood.
The next day. Another squabble.
Both kiddos came to me, in the garage, telling me what the other one had done. The big story was that Joseph was just trying to be mean.
Because Joseph knows the process of me listening, I asked to hear B first. I hoped that Joseph would trust that he would be heard eventually, even though I was focusing on B first. That trust meant fewer interruptions.
I asked B to tell me what had happened. He was nervous, ready to bust out of there, but didn’t leave. It felt precarious as trust can easily tank when the buy-in isn’t complete.
We got down to an observation that they both agreed upon. It was similar to the previous day’s upset.
I said something along the lines of, “So you’re telling me Joseph did [whatever he did]".”
“Yes.”
“Is that right, Joseph? You agree that’s what you did?”
“Yes.” Side note: there was no shame for Joseph in this. And I am guessing it’s because he knew that I already knew the needs he was trying to meet with this strategy.
“And, B, I imagine when Joseph did that you didn’t feel safe and you wanted some consideration?”
B was thoughtful for a moment, perhaps unused to hearing what the horrible act of Joseph’s meant to him. But he instantly began to relax, perhaps starting to trust that he was not going to experience shame in this moment. Joseph was watching him. B said, “Yeah.”
I asked Joseph to tell me what he understood about how his actions had affected B. I checked with B to see if what Joseph said was right.
“And Joseph, I imagine you were looking to share with B. You wanted to share something you enjoy and were hoping for that connection.”
Joseph didn’t take his eyes of B but said, with conviction, “Yes.”
“B, how is that to hear what Joseph was looking for?”
He shrugged.
I asked him what he had heard what was important to Joseph. This was much messier but since it was a first for B, I let it go. Also, he’s 8. It seemed that they were both happy that I had heard what was important. B had been heard.
And then poof! Off they went, friendly again, happy to play together.
Since then, Joseph and I have discussed alternative strategies for bids for connection with B, and B has been much more relaxed and tolerant when Joseph’s strategies still leave his needs for safety, consideration or respect unmet. It’s not such a catastrophe.
The point is, being heard gave them (in my interpretation) the freedom to stick with the conversation, to give each other some grace, to be open to different strategies and find a path forward for navigating their still-new friendship.
How does all this land for you?
So glad you are back, Sarah, and I hope your recovery is going well. (Thanks so much for the shoutout, too!)
So particularly cool that Joseph was relaxed about you hearing and reflecting his playmate first.