How To Not Be a Doormat

With Nonviolent Communication

I recently had a conversation with another mother who was struggling with how much upset she was absorbing from her kiddos. The kiddos were melting and tantruming and she was wanting to address her feelings around this in a Very. Specific. Way. She wasn’t a doormat! And this behaviour and these words coming out of her kiddos’ mouths were not okay and she wasn’t just going to let this go. Is this really what respectful parenting is advocating? That her feelings don’t matter? Her feelings are valid, dammit, and she was going to address this behaviour!

Oof! Hands up who’s had these thoughts?

There’s so much to unpack here.

Bigger Picture Beliefs

Let’s look at the term “doormat”. It’s what we use to express what happens when we have the story that our thoughts, feelings, wants and desires are figuratively trampled on. In the language of needs, it’s a term that comes up when we want some consideration and respect. Something is registering inside us that we don’t matter. And when that happens it can trigger some very strong reactions in us.

And layered on top of that there’s the meaning we make out of being a doormat. If I’m a doormat, then I’m not a good parent. Other people will see that I’m a doormat and judge me. I saw my mother/cousin/nephew/sister be a doormat and I promised myself I wouldn’t be.

So when we have the story come up (and it is just a story) - my kids treat me like I’m a doormat; I’m not a doormat!; if I let them behave this way then I’m just a doormat; I won’t be a doormat!; etc etc, what we can do is pause and give ourselves some empathy.

Of course! Of course this is hard for me. When Miss 6 screams that she hates me and it’s all because of me and throws cushions and Mr. 5 yells “poopy butt pants” at me three times before breakfast, I feel so angry because my need for mattering and respect is strongly unmet. Of course I feel angry. I want to know I matter. And I want reassurance that I’m a good parent, and I want to be free of the judgments of other people (emotional safety). And I want to trust that my kiddos can behave out in the world and get along with other people.

Do you see how we’ve taken out the loaded word “doormat”, which comes full of story and meaning, and replaced it with the underlying values of mattering, reassurance and emotional safety. And do you see how when we do that, we come to a much deeper truth. That truth is not that I don’t matter, but that my need for mattering is unmet? Do you hear the difference between the two? When my need for mattering is unmet, no wonder I feel angry.

Here, it’s helpful to meditate on that need. Of course I want to know I matter. What does it feel like when my need for mattering is met? What does it feel like to simply know I have a need to matter?

Often, when we hold our needs with care, we come up with alternative strategies for meeting those needs. And some more realistic expectations.

Alternative strategies for daily mattering: Myself. I can let myself know I matter through taking a daily walk/meditation/singing/yoga/calling a friend/engaging in a hobby etc. These are big picture mattering strategies. Not in-the-moment strategies.

I can also ask a friend/partner/spouse for some specifics. Hey would you get this knot out of my shoulder/read and give feedback on this piece I’m writing/bring me coffee in bed? All as strategies towards meeting my need for mattering. No mantras necessary.

I can also consider whether my expectation that my six year old (or a ten year old, or a fifteen year old) meet my need for mattering in any given moment, and especially at meltdown, is realistic.

I believe this expectation is too big a big burden to place on a child. And during a meltdown with angry words and projectiles, we know: their prefrontal cortex is offline; they’re doing the best they can with the tools they have (Ross Greene); the path to future self-regulation is attunement (Mona Delahooke).

To make a child carry this burden can leave their sense of mattering, being seen, heard and understood unmet. That’s not what we want.

In The Moment Triggers

So what do we do?

In any given moment, during meltdown, if we can, we recognize that we’re triggered or close to it. Perhaps the word DOORMAT! fires up in our head and that can be our cue.

We find the pause by coming up with observations, feelings, needs and requests.

I’ll try to show the process of getting down to the observation.

Observation

Take one: Kiddo is throwing a ridiculous wobbly. It’s totally out of control and out of proportion. They’re destroying the bedroom. They’re being such a baby and they’re six! They should have grown out of this by now. Can’t they see that I’m trying my best? They obviously don’t care about me. I can’t let them behave like this. I will not be a doormat!

Take two: Kiddo is throwing a ridiculous wobbly crying and screaming in the bedroom. They are calling for me. It’s totally out of control and out of proportion. And they have thrown the duvet and pillows on the floor, tipped over clean laundry basket, scattered all the clothes and thrown the clothes that were sitting on the chair on the floor. They’re destroying the bedroom kicking the door. They’re being such a baby and they’re six! These meltdowns have caught me by surprise. They should have grown out of this by now. I had a different expectation of behaviours from what is happening. Can’t they see that I’m trying my best? They are fully dysregulated and not capable of thinking right now. They obviously don’t care about me. I have some very strong stories coming up about how they don’t care about me. I can’t let them behave like this. I will not be a doormat! I have a lot of stories around meaning behind this behaviour and impulses to respond as I was responded to.

Okay, we have our observation: Kiddo is crying and screaming in the bedroom. They are calling for me. They have thrown the duvet, pillows and clothes all over the floor. They are currently kicking the door. And I have some stories firing!

Feelings and Needs

Overwhelm because I wanted my evening to be easy and this looks like a lot to clean up.

Anger because how dare they do this to my bedroom. Because my need for being seen and for respect are not met.

Anger because they’ve got to know that this is not okay and that this shit has to stop! my need for being heard and mattering is not met.

Fear because what kind of child does this? I desperately want reassurance that I am a good parent and that my child will be able to self-regulate when they’re older.

Frustration because I gave them food so they wouldn’t have a meltdown and now they’re having a meltdown anyway. my need for order and understanding are unmet.

To all of this we say, of course! Of course I feel this way.

Now, what do we want?

Are we playing the long game or the short game?

Since it’s Growing Hearths, we’re going for connection, belonging, mattering, being seen, heard and understood. (Do I sound like a broken record?) And that means we’re playing the long game.

An irony is that when we’re triggered, the unmet need that we try to meet in reaction can often leave that same need unmet in other people. Have you ever experienced (or been) a person yelling at others because their need for respect isn’t met? The same can happen with our kiddos. When we are in reaction, because our need for mattering isn’t met, and we’re not going to let them walk all over us dammit! we can end up leaving their needs unmet.

Request

Here’s a request we can ask of ourselves: to the degree that is in my capacity, can I attune to my kiddo in this moment?

Again, as Mona Delahooke says, attunement is the scaffolding for future self-regulation. This is how we’re not being a doormat - we’re modeling and co-regulating, from a choiceful place, because we have taken steps to self-regulate. Our need for mattering is met outside of our kiddos. We’re grounded, and we’re out of self-protection mode. When we’re attuning to our kids, we’re not “letting them get away with it”, we’re saying, I’m here, I want to understand you and see you, and help you get back to regulated, where you feel safe and have the capacity to behave in a way that doesn’t trigger me.

In the End

One side effect when we attune to our kiddos is that our own needs for mattering and belonging, emotional safety etc are also met.

Another is our kiddos’ growing ability to self-regulate. I see this in my house. Hour-long meltdowns have morphed into post-it notes with angry messages, requests for my presence, my hand, and angry words. I don’t remember the last time a cushion got thrown in anger. I’m curious to see how it continues to evolve.

It’s a long game. And it works.

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How was all this to read?

What stories come up for you when triggered?

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