How to Support a Parent Who Is Doing Things "Differently"

When You Really Think They Should Be Punishing Their Child

Today is Saturday. On Tuesday, I had chemo. Here's that story.

On Tuesday, the day of chemo, one of my oldest friends arrived from England to help out while I felt sick. I felt so sick this time.

Suz and I met at the school bus stop when she was 12 and I was 11. One day I asked her if she wanted to come to my house for a cup of tea. Not much has changed since then.

She’s one of a few friends who have been able to be supportive in the way that I need.

This round of chemo, while brutal, has been sweet. Suz understands my kids and she is so. very. chilled. This is the part that is massively supportive for me.

It’s this support that is the inspiration for my post. I know there are other parents out there need what I’ve had in Suz and a few other friends.

Here’s what you can do if you want to support a parent who does things differently to how you were raised.

• Understand that children do well when they can. Not when they want to. This phrasing comes from Dr. Ross Green, who wrote The Explosive Child. It is backed up by Dan Siegel’s, Mona Delahooke’s and Stephen Porges’ work. In other words, science.

• Understand that when you are triggered by a child’s behaviour, you have needs that are unmet - safety? freedom? power in your world? respect? - and that these needs are unmet because of how you were responded to as a child. It has nothing to do with the child in front of you.

• A child will do well when they feel safe and comfortable, when their needs for being seen, heard and understood are met.

• Remember you can pause: ask yourself what am I feeling and needing right now. Take a deep breath. Slip inside the child in front of you and look back at yourself. What is it that child is needing?

• Remember you can attune to the child in front of you.

• Remember that even though a punishment might seem appropriate to you, it may not be what the parent you’re supporting wants, and here’s why.

It’s hard to describe the weight lifted knowing that the kiddos are seen, heard and understood, that very little phases their caregiver. I’ve been able to sleep and recuperate knowing that my kiddos were cared for. With care. With understanding.

Do you know people who are trying to support parents?

I am so enjoying working with parents, couples and caregivers on my well weeks. Do you need support?