I Yelled Because of Me

Naming Needs Can Dissolve Tension

I yelled today.

I had spent yesterday reorganizing three cupboards in the kitchen and now my surfaces were clear.

I was scrubbing one of those surfaces.

My seven year old placed an item in the middle of the counter, in the middle of the soap suds.

”NOOOOO!!” I yelled.

My five year old walked in and with an indignant air demanded, “Mummy, why did you just yell?”

I was boiling, fuming mad but somehow couldn’t settle on a reason until I found the need. This doesn’t usually happen to me. So I grumbled incoherently for a few seconds, going through and rejecting the following:
because he put his pot on the counter
because I’m in the middle of cleaning
because I’m the only one who ever does anything around here
because he didn’t see that I was cleaning

Until I settled on a frustrated-but-no-longer-angry, “because my need for being seen wasn’t met.”

My five year old paused for about one and a half seconds before saying, “Oh, okay,” then checked to make sure my son also understood it. He shrugged his shoulders, she turned on her heel and walked into the living room, followed by my son where they began playing happily.

My tension continued to dissolve and within about ten seconds I was happily wiping counters again.

I’ll break down why this dissolved all the tension, why my answer was acceptable to my kiddos (they’d have let me know if it wasn’t) and what was important.

They both understood what I meant by being seen, and that I was speaking the language of needs. It makes sense to them. It’s common language in our house.

By rejecting the other options above, I rejected placing blame elsewhere and instead took responsibility for my behavior. When my need for being seen isn’t met, that’s because of me. My behavior is all about me. Nothing to do with them.

The seeming magic of getting to the needs is that it can so quickly dissolve the tension, just as it did today. Needs are our universal language. Everyone has the need to be seen. Connecting with a need connects us to our innermost longings. It is self-connection. And knowing our needs opens us up to other strategies to get those needs met. In this case: yeah, expecting a seven year old to see me doesn’t make sense. There’s other people I can go to for that. And yelling is not going to increase his ability to see me.

I also repair, when my behavior leaves my needs unmet.

Here’s a list of universal human needs.

Here’s a picture of our ducks.

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If you want to discuss what it would look like to bring these principles of Nonviolent Communication into your home, I am offering coaching and consultations.