It's Not Senseless

Making Sense of Horror and Trauma

Photo by Laura Vinck on Unsplash

This morning, a friend asked,

“How are we raising humans who get to 18 and find that the strategy of killing unknown children is even a possibility to meet a need?”

Through this question I can see all the humans involved in this.

I think of those parents who said their goodbyes and I-love-yous without knowing it would be their last. I wish I could hold each of them and support them in their grief.

I want to hold with humanity the parents of the murderer who must be traumatized and receiving so much hate, right now. So many times have I asked myself, what if I were in their shoes? I’m afraid I will be in their shoes.

And (yes, and - I hold it all) I also question the parenting practices and the systemic practices that are leaving children open to the idea of slaughtering others en masse.

In addressing those practices, what questions can be asked?

How can we support parents - support one another - towards creating home environments where so much pain and angst has a place to be received, with a welcoming, open heart? Where children can take their darkest thoughts and be held with love and light? We are our village. We all, all of us, need support. How can we support those who need the most support?

How can we mobilize to remove guns from those in whose hands they are dangerous? How can we understand, with compassion, the priority to have the choice to keep a gun in a home over the safety of our children? How can we demand loudly enough to protect our children before we protect some old laws? How can we have conversations with those who believe that having the access to guns that we have in this country is not what needs to change to make these massacres stop? How can we let people know that this is our country’s choice? We, as a society, are choosing this.

Another tragedy. How to comprehend? How to describe?

Through questions and a needs-based lens, I find sense in this senselessness. When everyone’s needs are taken into account, I can find the understanding I seek.

With the help of child-like questions, I am answering in a way that everyone maintains their humanity, even in the face of inhumanity. (Note: these are made-up questions. I have kept yesterday’s news from my kids - they have enough going on. But we’ve had tragedy conversations before and this is largely how they go.)

Yesterday an 18 year old walked into an elementary school, with guns, and used those guns to kill 19 children and two teachers.

Why, Mummy, why would he do that?

We don’t know why. We can guess that he was a very sad, scared human who saw this as a way to meet his own needs for power in his world. He probably very much wanted to feel powerful.

Do you think those children were very, very scared?

Yes, I imagine they were.

Do you think the gunman knew he was going to die?

Probably. I imagine he would have thought about his own death.

Do you think the police officers tried to save everyone?

Yes, I do.

Why didn’t they?

Because they would only have been told about it after the shooting started. They had to rush there first.

Do you think they would have rushed there as fast as they could?

Yes.

How did he get his gun?

I don’t know that yet.

Was he old enough?

Yes, he was old enough. But that doesn’t matter. Many people who are dangerous with guns have access to them.

Why?

Because there’s a lot of misunderstandings and what is called misinformation, information that isn’t true, among people who vote, and a lot of money that people make from the sale of guns. So more people vote to keep guns.

You don’t let us have your guns.

No, we don’t. We keep them in a safe and they are only used for hunting. And it may be that when you are older we find a different home or safe place to store them so they aren’t in our home.

Why? Are you worried we might use the guns?

Yes, I am.

Why?

Because it can be really hard for teenagers to think clearly when they are mad.

Like it’s hard for you to think clearly when you’re mad?

Yes exactly. But even harder for teenagers. And teenagers like taking risks. Guns are risky. So we want to keep you and everyone safe.

Is this why we don’t go to school?

Um, I have thought about it. Mostly, the reason you don’t go to school is because school didn’t work for you.

Do you think the mummys and daddys are sad?

Yes, I do.

Do you think they are traumatized?

Yes, I do.

Why?

Because they just lost someone they loved so much and they are totally helpless. There is nothing they can do about it. They have no power. It can be very hard to want something so much and not be able to do anything about it. The helplessness can be traumatizing.

Like when I want pancakes for lunch and you say you’re not making pancakes for lunch?

Something like that.

Am I traumatized?

Not from not getting pancakes. You’re more mad, it seems to me.

Do you think the police officers are sad?

Yes. I think it’s very hard to be anyone who responds to that situation.

Why?

Because of how much hurt and loss there is, and how helpless they can be to save those people. They want to have the power to save those people.

I am going to end here. In writing this out I notice something that often happens. Our tragic strategy to meet one need can often leave that same need unmet in others.

I leave you with that question again:

“How are we raising humans who get to 18 and find that the strategy of killing unknown children is even a possibility to meet a need?”

I hope this has helped. I’d love to hear if it did or didn’t.

Together Rising is currently mobilizing.

We need country-wide protests.