Limit Setting from The Heart
It's about me as well as them.
We all have this idea that children need limits, right?
I did.
And I still do to a certain extent but my ideas and energy around limits have changed. Now, the limits are mine and not the children’s.
When the limits are mine, based on my capacity, and my needs, (which vary based on chemo schedule) I am able to give my children an experience of the flow of energy and needs.
When the limits are mine, they gain a first-hand understanding of how their behavior or words can affect another person.
When the limits are mine, the power is internal, rather than an external, arbitrary source. The power is mine. And the power is theirs. And we dance together.
What does this look like? Here’s an actual conversation that’s taken place:
Me: “Okay Kiddy Winkles, it’s been two days since you had a wash, and I’d like to keep your sheets as clean as possible. It’s easier for me. I’d like you to think about how you want to wash tonight and I will help you do that. We’ll have dinner after you’re both clean.”
“Oh, urgh, no! Oh no, I don’t want to.”
“I’m going to have a bath.”
“I’m going to have a bath.”
“I’m first!”
“Nooooooo! I want to be first.”
“Can we have a bath together?”
Me: “No, it hasn’t worked well before when that’s happened.”
“Pleeeeeeaaaaase Mummy! Please! We won’t hurt each other and we won’t spill water out of the bath.”
Me: “I don’t have the energy to clean up any accidental spills or to separate you if you aren’t able to stay kind or respectful to each other. So no. I’m sorry. I will help you get in the bath.”
“Urgh, okay.”
When I am able to give them the limits of my capacity, rather than an externalized “you don’t have baths together,” there’s no “WHYYYYYY???” and there’s more openness to hear the reality that they can’t prevent accidental spills (apparently it’s an accident when trying to create the biggest waves possible), nor that they can most definitely remain respectful or kind. Just ain’t gonna happen.
What about bedtime now that they are seven and five and have loud opinions?
Here’s another example:
Me: “Okeydoke. Bed time.
“Noooo! I don’t want to go to bed.”
“Yeah! I HATE going to bed. It’s the worst time of my life.”
“I want to stay up with you.” Yawns. “I’m not tired.”
Me: “Yeah, going to bed can be tough, especially if you don’t feel tired. And Daddy and I want to spend some time talking tonight, and it looks like your body is telling you you’re tired even if you can’t feel it.”
“Urgh! Mummy!”
Me: “I’m sorry. I don’t have the energy to have three people talking to me tonight. And you will feel much better tomorrow if your body gets the sleep you need. If you really aren’t tired you can read in your bed. But for now, Daddy and I need space and your body needs rest. I’ll help you back to bed. Who am I saying good night to first?”
“Me!”
“No! ME! It’s not fair! You always don’t say goodnight to me first!”
Me: “Is that how it seems?”
“NO IT’S NOT HOW IT SEEMS! IT’S TRUE!”
Me: “It’s hard when I don’t come in to you first, right? I will be in very soon and will spend time with you. I said good night to you first last night when we talked about your unicorn. I’ll be in soon. Get into bed and I’ll be there.”
“You’re such a darn mummy.” But off she goes.
Again, no arbitrary “bedtime is at 7.30",” so no question of why. No externalized “rules” that we’re adhering to, just internal energy which I communicate. My needs. Their needs. What I have energy for and what I don’t. Rather than stagnant rigidity, there’s a flow to these limits.
I am communicating to them that I matter and they matter, I have needs and so do they, needs which I am monitoring even when they can’t recognize the best strategy for getting those needs met.
Their sense of being seen and heard is met, and their sense of being understood (except for when I say, “Is that how it seems?”).
Does all this make sense? From rigidity to flow. From external to internal. From head to heart.
Try it and let me know.
Do you have other examples you’d like me to translate into a flow of needs as limits?
Do you think there’s someone who could be supported by this post?
Want more?
In my off chemo weeks I am loving working with parents to bring the principles of nonviolence and NVC into their home.