Other Aspects of the Paradigm Shift

Head spinningly bonkers but so much clarity!

Complete and acceptable, just as it is.

Hi friends,

There’s more (more?) to this paradigm shift than just not-punishing-but-coming-with-curiosity.

Here are some examples:

It means we shift from deserve to needs.

So, for example, “my kids deserve my respect,” in my ear creates an implicit message that there are other kids who do not deserve my respect. Do you hear it too?

In this paradigm, everyone has a need for respect.

So, instead of: My kid deserves respect.

We can say: I want to treat my child in a way that meets mine and their need for respect.

We shift from deserve, to needs.

Instead of, say: I didn’t deserve to be smacked as a child.

We can think: Being smacked didn’t meet my need for physical safety, attunement, being seen, heard, understood, mattering or belonging.

Do you hear how it packs more punch? There’s more meaning when we approach it from a needs perspective.

Instead of: My child deserves a caregiver who reads to them!

(Are there children who don’t deserve it?)

We can think: I want my children to experience the safety and growth and learning and understanding of cozy reading time.

Here’s the next piece:

Within this paradigm there is also no right or wrong. Egad! How can there be no right or wrong?

Instead of: What they did was wrong.

We can think: What they did left these needs unmet.

So using the example in the first paradigm-shift post:

Instead of: Hitting your sibling is wrong!

We can think: Sibling’s need for physical safety isn’t met during these moments. Also understanding and being seen, connection and consideration.

See how more meaning is created? And does this open up alternative strategies for you when you think of meeting you child’s needs for understanding, connection and consideration?

Just to be clear, I am not saying “it’s not wrong.” Right? When I say, “it’s not wrong” I am still in a right/wrong paradigm. To say, “it’s not wrong,” implies there’s something right.

Instead, what I am saying there is no such thing as right and wrong in this paradigm. There’s just needs.

For me, it’s far more powerful. I am less in the disconnected righteousness of you are wrong! and instead more self-connected, and more tuned in to others.

What do you think?

This is quite the shift. From deserve to needs and from right/wrong to needs. So I’ll leave it at that.

Any “but what about…?” questions? I loved answering the last time. Feel free to email or comment. Again, hit me up. Oh, but if I don’t answer right away, it’s because I’m asleep, recovering from chemo.