Support Through Sibling Fighting

And How to Stay Out of It

The craziest thing just happened and I am drawn to write about it, hoping it will help others, and knowing that the people who will most get it will likely also read this and appreciate it.

Background: serious disruption the last week.

Half an hour ago, I came inside to find screaming and crying and upset from both children, to a degree that is rare. Red faces, barely able to breathe. The only option to me was to not add to the escalation. This is not always easy for me to do, but today it was so intense, I couldn’t see an alternative. It may also be that I, too, am exhausted from the last week.

I sat down in the midst of the chaos. Got down to their level.

Even so, it got physical with minor kicking and pinching, which I stopped while the screaming continued.

I asked each child to tell me their version of events. It was a difficult process with lots of screams and NO THAT’S NOT HOW IT HAPPENED from the other child. But eventually, I got to where I could ask,

“Do you think I have understood you or is there anything more to tell me.”

I kind of got a yes from both

The whole time I was thinking, how on earth am I going to solve this? Then poof, it was solved. Like a bubble got popped.

By, “solved”, I don’t mean they articulated an agreement. Or put effort into hearing each other. They just… stopped fighting, moved into a space that was mutually agreeable and have been working together since. As I have been typing, my oldest has complimented my youngest on her swimming skills and told her he wished he could do that. Wait, did I really hear that right?

It was similar to what happens when I small child is very upset and you hold space for them. They move on remarkably quickly. It just stops. That’s what happened.

Here’s what I already knew that was demonstrated by this moment:

• It’s not always about what is at face value. That is, today, it was not about the three-year old New York Times newspaper that they each wanted to make their own clippings from.

• Children will solve their own troubles if given the time, space and support to do so.

• A calm presence can give them that support.

• Being seen and heard and understood can magically open spaces within us to accept another person. It’s related to the assumption of innocence. In this case, I could have come in with big, scary energy and yelled at them how dare they behave this way towards each other, they can go to their rooms until they can be nice blah, blah, blah. Instead I saw that they were both dysregulated and needed help, I literally put effort into hearing them and then articulated what I understood. I stayed calm, though did put my hands over my ears to protect them during the screaming.

“Here, would you like this basketball picture?”

“No, you can take it.”

Another takeaway: when we welcome the feelings and really feel them, in all their awfulness and stickiness and hard-to-imagine-the-other-side yuk, there is another side, in which we find freedom and clarity and lightheartedness. I see it in the kiddos and I see it in myself.

When things are easier, puppy has surgery, in which the children collaborate to help him through. This was on his stifle, I think. Also, they scrubbed in.

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If you want to discuss what it would look like to bring the principles of Nonviolent Communication into your home, I am offering NVC coaching. Hit me up.