The Assumption of Innocence
And Two Ways to Bring It Into Your Home
“Mummy you’re so ANNOYING!”
or
“I hate you.”
or
“I wish you weren’t invented.”
or
“I hope [insert type of harm] happens to you.”
or
One of them comes crying because the other one hurt them.
or
One of them comes crying because the other one “hurt” them.
or
“If you do [this thing I want you to do], then I won’t [do that thing you don’t want me to do].
The last one really gets me. That and the one about wishing harm on another person. My back goes up. And stories float around in my head.
How can someone have some much empathy one minute and so little another minute? I heard serial killers have a lot of empathy. Wow they’re manipulative. I need to CRUSH this! I can’t let them get away with this!
Can you hear my fear in my stories?
Miki Kashtan, my teacher in NVC, together with her late sister Inbal, created a list of Core Nonviolence Commitments. I have the list printed out and I refer to it often.
Number eight is Assumption of Innocence. For me, this is one of the fundamental pieces of nonviolent communication.
It boils down to this sentence:
All human behavior is an attempt to meet a need.
Maybe that’s obvious. Maybe it’s not.
Side note: Just to be clear, when I say “need”, I am referring to the universal human needs that in Nonviolent Communication we assume all humans have. They are needs for thriving not just surviving.
What this means is, we catch ourselves in our judgments (brat! manipulative!) our analyses (it’s the parenting!), our fears (what will people think???) and our evaluations (such bad behavior!) and instead we see our children and try to understand what is motivating their behavior, even if they don’t understand it. We see them as teeny people who haven’t been on this planet very long, who are still learning and are still trying to figure out their own emotions, how to regulate them and what that looks like. It’s not that we give them the benefit of the doubt. It’s that we know that they are actively but unconsciously seeking ways to meet their needs in the best way they know how. Can you see the difference? It’s a subtle one.
In practice, with a seven year old, it might look like this.
“Mummy, you’re so ANNOYING!”
Hmmm, they got up early and they’re tired. And they haven’t eaten breakfast yet. And we haven’t snuggled. This could become bigger quickly. So they need rest and food and some connection time. So la-de-da, I’ll go sit on the couch and see if they want to snuggle…
With this ideally open-hearted, curious response:
“Oh yeah?”
or it might look like this:
“I hope [insert some type of harm] happens to you.”
Hmmm. It has been a tough week for this kiddo. We have adult visitors who engage in power struggles regularly with this child. One such power struggle just ended. I know it will calm down when they leave. This child is wanting to be seen and heard and understood. They want to feel safe.
With this response,
“Hey you want to come read a book with me?”
then before opening the book, open and curious:
“It seems like you’re having a hard time tonight. Are you?”
There are as many ways to respond as there are children, because they all have different things going on in their lives at different times.
Another time in which it appeared harm was “wished” upon another person by my seven year old, I could see it was experimental in language and reaction. There was no underlying upset. In that case, after seeking advice from my long-time peer/mentors, I stopped it with a gentle and discreet, “I can’t let you say those things.” Poof, done. Had I tried to crush it, as my inner voice sometimes tells me I must, with sternness or punishment etc, we’d have entered into months-long power struggles and disconnection, where shame would have taken root. This is an example of the nuance I have talked about before.
We can also turn the assumption of innocence to ourselves. It can help us in developing a better understanding of our ourselves, deeper self connection, more connected repairs, and parenting more in line with our values.
This is what it can look like. I’m making this up:
When I yelled at the kids this morning, I was fearful and trying to gain immediate control of a situation where I wanted them to stop. There was no safety issue. There was a potential major clean-up issue. I want things to be easier than they are when I have to clean up a mess. I want to be seen for how much I already have to do without cleaning up messes that could have been avoided. And I want that to matter. I want to know that I matter. I want that respect. And I just want some space to breath for five minutes.
Can you see the difference between that and self-berating, self-judging, self-loathing, self-shaming? If any of those things worked, I’d know a whole ton of perfect people. And actually, in my clearly highly scientific opinion, the more shame there appears to be in a person’s inner world and less self-connection, the harder time they have acting in a way that generates the respect they want. It’s such a tragic cycle.
But when I read the self-connected piece I think of course you’re yelling. And a whole bunch of other strategies for ease, being seen, respect, mattering and space opens up for me, besides what that person is wanting of their children.
Back to assumption of innocence. What that phrase means is that we can look at what we’re doing, or what our kids are doing, and connect with the human underneath.
If we can stop it, physically, we will, calmly and gently. If it requires self-control, we work on our self-connection. But through it all we aim to see the humanity in our behaviors, maintain connection and build trust.
Easy peasy eh?
Here’s an exercise:
When you think of the needs you’re trying to meet (use the list), what other strategies appear for you when you sit with those needs?
If you want to discuss what it would look like to bring the principles of Nonviolent Communication into your home, I am offering NVC coaching.
WHAT ELSE I’M DOING:
A free zoom circle on repairing with our children.