The Balm of "Seeing" Our Children, Part 1
And How NVC Can Help
It’s so hard to explain the experience of being seen. But it’s one that I recognize with my body. It’s a Yes! You get it! You really understand. And the shift - a subtle relaxation - that accompanies it. The sense that I’m not alone - that there is a sparky, orangey connection from me to you, in between any words that convey, “I hear you.”
I have so many opportunities to see my children daily. Often I fail. (In which case I can repair). Often, I see them part way. And an ever-growing number of times, I really, really see them. And then they seem to glow.
Writing out the below story has been odd. Written in words, it sounds inauthentic. Do six year-olds talk like that? Well, he did and he does so…here it is. See how it lands for you.
The other day my son and I were arguing, kinda. I wanted to return a box of kindling to the wood shed and trade it for a box that had drier, older wood that would actually kindle the fire. My son did NOT want the kindling box switched out and was close to full on meltdown, which I was finding utterly nonsensical. I was frustrated because I want fire lighting to be easy, and I had in my mind a very simple, obvious fix. He was in my way.
Somehow, my attitude and the ridiculosity of this discussion registered and I could see that I was not at all in alignment with the way I want to be with my kids. I took a deep breath, sat down, looked my son in the eye, and said, “I can see how upset you are and I really want to understand what’s going on for you.” I paused letting it sink in and saw him relax. He’s used to me speaking to him this way and he trusts me when I do. Then I continued, “Would you tell me what meaning trading out the kindling boxes has for you?”
He took a deep breath, his lip trembled and he said, “I think if we take this box of kindling out then you don’t see all the hard work I put into making it, cutting it, putting it in the box and bringing it in. I think that doesn’t matter to you and you don’t care.”
I listened hard and felt his worry and sadness and said, “Thank you”.
Then I think I reflected what he said and offered some empathy guesses. He wanted to know he mattered. So rather than jumping in with reassurance, I went slowly, first making sure that he knew I heard his concerns. Only then did I let him know that I remember how hard he has worked, and continues to work, on all the kindling. Not just this box. That I am grateful. I could see him relax further. Then I asked if he was willing to hear what was bothering me about this box of kindling. He said yes. And I told him. Even though I had already told him six minutes before, this time he was able to hear it because he had already been heard and seen. Then we decided we’d go out to the wood shed and select a box of kindling together.
I never went out to the wood shed. He did it himself.
What happened? Did I talk him into it? Did he cave to pressure and power? Did he give up and obey? Was I too soft? Am I permissive? (ack!) Should I be telling him to shut up and be glad he has a fire to keep him warm? No. I took the time and I saw him. And in being seen he received that he was understood and mattered. And that gave him the space and freedom to understand also. In the end, both our needs were met.
Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson talk about seeing our children in their latest book, The Power of Showing Up. They break it down into three pieces:
attuning to their internal mental state in a way that lets them know that we get them, so they can “feel felt” and understood on a profound and meaningful level;
coming to understand their inner life by using our imagination to make sense of what is actually going on inside their mind;
responding in what’s called a “contingent’ way, where we respond to what we see in a timely and effective manner.
Nonviolent Communication can help us with all of these steps.
Let’s take the first one. Attuning to our child’s internal state. Attuning. What is that?
Sarah Peyton has said it’s like tuning our internal radio to the frequency of another person. We are still ourselves. But we are able to pick up that energy, and be moved by it. We open ourselves up to change in this way. We are open-hearted, connected and grounded.
NVC can help us attune to another person because we practice hearing the needs beneath another person’s words or behaviour and we recognize those needs because we have them too. Down at the level of needs is the place that we are all interconnected - where our energies merge. It’s a place of possibility.
When we are able to perceive the needs of another person, there is resonance in our bodies. We tune to that frequency. We get it.
And when see the needs behind the behaviour, we maintain the connection and sense of belonging that we so want our children to have with us, rather than moving them towards shame.
As our children’s minds are developing, providing them with an experience of attunement gives them the gift of being able to be present to and with themselves later on in life, when they don’t have another supportive person around them. They can provide it for themselves because they have received it from us.
It’s this experience in which I want my children’s minds to grow. An experience in which they have a powerful adult take the time to attune. The experience of mattering, in a home in which they know they belong.
If you believe reading part 2 (and maybe part 3) will serve you, hit the subscribe button below.
To practice seeing your children through NVC and the opportunity to learn in community, come to the next circle I am offering through Shelton Timberland Library. December 16th, 1pm.
Reading
Rosenberg, Marshall B., Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, 3rd Ed, Puddledancer Press, 2015
Siegel, Daniel J., and Payne Bryson, Tina, The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired, Random House, 2020
Siegel, Daniel J., The Developing Mind: How Relationships and The Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are, Guilford Press, 2020