The Pause
With the Help of NVC
Pause. Slow down. Slow down some more. Stop and observe.
It’s been a something that Matt and I have practiced since Joseph was one. He’s now seven. Almost eight!
Many times our pausing has been misunderstood by other adults, and they jump in. Be prepared!
But when we get to practice our slowing down, our stopping and observing, we learn so much about what’s going on for our kiddos. We get to see that the first “solution” that came up for us, was actually not the best thing. That a stern, finger-wagging demand for respect is actually going to send them deeper into disconnect. As if you can demand respect! Instead, we get to connect with our children by seeing them and hearing them and understanding them.
Slowing down is hard. NVC can help.
If you are fortunate enough to have practiced to where you can catch yourself wanting to jump in, rescue, problem solve or even notice you might be working towards a trigger, and you can take a breath, here’s what you can do next.
What am I feeling? Anxious, scared, annoyed, overwhelmed, tired, frustrated.
Because…what am I needing? Peace. Trust that my child isn’t a brat. Trust that they won’t be asking me to wipe their bum when they go off to college. Freedom from judgment of other adults about my parenting. Freedom from judgement about my child. Emotional safety. Peace! For my morning to be easy!
When we can connect with our needs, alternative strategies for meeting them open up.
What might my child be needing? A safe space. Connection. Support. Space held. Exploration of feelings. Freedom to be themselves. Acceptance. Understanding. To be seen, heard, understood.
The pause gives us space to see what’s really needed.
Sometimes, it’s nothing. Just watch.
Sometimes that’s a calm, quiet, but close presence.
Sometimes it’s active listening.
Sometimes it’s seeing what’s going on and continuing with what I’m doing.
Never, in seven years of pausing, have I decided I want my child to be obedient.
When we identify ours and our child’s needs we connect at a human level.
The pause gives us the ability move from a potentially disconnecting engagement to one that nurtures their sense of self, supporting them through difficult moments.
How is all this to hear?
What I'm Reading
I read Mona Delahooke’s new book this week.
Even without the paradigm shift that it will be for so many of her readers, this book is a game-changer for me.
NVC and RIE have given me the how (what it looks like) and the why (needs) for my parenting. Mona’s book gives me the how we get to the why. It’s the science behind why my son’s sense of safety or power in his world may not be met today, and why it might be triggered by simply asking him some seemingly innocuous question. Previously, I was able to get to the why of his behavior (his sense of safety) but now I have the pathways to the needs.
It’s the validation that I wish I didn’t want. It’s a big, fat I KNEW IT! Relief. Trust. Self-compassion.
If you live near me I’ll lend you the book, but I want it back.
A Suggestion for Dads
I’ve kind of been stalking this blog:
What I value about it is guys supporting guys. Dads supporting dads. I want to see more of that.
In my chemo off-weeks, I’m enjoying supporting people in their home revolution journeys - towards a nonviolent home.