There's No Such Thing As The Perfect Parent

Stop Telling Yourself You're Not Good Enough

Do you wish you could be perfect?

A perfect parent doesn’t exist because a perfect parent isn’t all that helpful for our children.

Read that again.

A perfect parent isn’t helpful to our kiddos.

By achieving “perfection” we lose something.

In perfection we lose authenticity, possibly because we lose connection to our own needs and feelings - which could then be followed by resentment and fatigue (so perfection would be fleeting?) - and we lose the valuable life lessons that a connection break can be followed by reconnection.

Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson call this the rupture and repair process.

It's not perfect unbroken attunement to our children that is needed, or even healthy! It's the recognition of misattunement and the speedy repair that is what is needed. In other words, the inevitable misattunement that comes in our relationships is a necessary part of a healthy relationship because we need that part to make the repairs. It's the repairs that are crucial.

Also my version of perfection might be different from my five year old’s version of perfection. In her version there’d be lots more ice cream.

Also, what is perfect? What does it even mean? It’s a judgement, an evaluation, empty and meaningless.

A more meaningful wish would be:

I want to move, more and more, towards behaviors that align with my values, increasing my capacity to do so, no matter what the circumstances.

Doesn’t that have more bite? More strength. A more empowered approach. Can you feel the difference?

This is what I strive for. I am trying every day. And not reaching for perfection today means I am more relaxed when I behave in a way that is not in alignment with my values. It means I don’t fret about ruptures. Repairs happen quickly and smoothly. I continue to try to grow.

Life is a dance of needs. We all have needs and we all have the same needs. Connection, love, care, acknowledgement, kindness, space, peace, joy, spontaneity, flow, meaning, purpose, physical and emotional safety. Here’s a full list.

My goal, rather than to be the perfect parent, is to create a home in which everyone knows they belong, everyone knows they matter, everyone is seen, heard and understood.

That there is no such thing as the perfect parent is a hard story to let go of. But it is just a story.

Here’s how I use NVC to get through that story.

I notice I am reaching for perfection again. (Internal observation)

I feel sad and defeated when that story comes up. (Feelings)

Because I so want my children to thrive, to know they belong, to know they matter and to be free of shame. Freedom from shame is big for me. (Needs)

Can I take a breath and acknowledge that I am a long way from where I would be had I not been trying to be respectful of my children all these years? And remember I can’t be perfect, but there are areas of growth? (Request).

And breathe.

Does that help? Can you see yourself in this story or in others?

Do you know parents who are embroiled in their own story of not being good enough?