When Socks Hold All The Power
All Human Beings Share the Same Needs
Inspired by Key Assumptions and Intentions of NVC, this piece refers to the assumption that All Human Beings Share the Same Needs.
The point at which I am about to lose my sh*t, (or, the point at which I lose choice) is becoming increasingly accessible to me. At the same time, becoming triggered is no longer inevitable. I can recognize that I am moving into my red zone and am capable of bringing myself back. Hooray for me.
How?
I go to the needs.
The idea that we all share the same needs is murky when we’re thinking we need our children to get their socks on, or we need them to clear up their room, or they need to show us the dead bug whose insides have burst outside.
That’s not what I’m talking about. You don’t need my child to put their socks on. You don’t need my child to place an exploded bug on my cornea “so I can see it”.
In nonviolent communication, needs are values we share, all of us. Values that, when met, allow us to thrive. These aren’t needs about keeping our bodies functioning. This is about a full life.
Belonging.
Nurturance.
Acceptance.
Love.
Connection.
Honesty.
Meaning.
Purpose.
To be seen.
To be understood
We all need to feel like we belong, to be a welcome and integral part of something bigger than ourselves. We all have needs for nurturance, acceptance, authenticity, joy, connection, learning, competence.
So while I might be about to explode because I “need” my child to get their damn socks on or we’re going to be late, our lateness or my child getting their socks on has zero effect on you. It’s not a need. I do have needs for ease, self-responsibility, efficiency, and support.
And when I recognize that I am about to move into the red zone and, instead, go to my needs, it elongates the powerful pause, and gives me an opportunity to consider alternative strategies to losing my cool.
My son also has needs for ease and support, self-responsibility and efficiency. If I get to where my choice is diminished and I am yelling or mad or belittling or shaming because he couldn’t do something as simple as (see the judgement?) getting his socks on, then I am leaving all those needs unmet for both of us, even though my subconscious is trying to meet those needs by yelling. See how backward it can be?
But by pausing and and focusing on the needs, I open up space to recognize that he also has a need for support and ease and there are options besides yelling. I have the space to remember that this is his first day of school, and his capacity for handling sock application is diminished. He needs support! That might look like my simply sitting next to him, and chatting before he puts on socks, or going in for a cuddle, or literally fetching his socks for him.
I can further self-connect by recognizing the fearful stories that come up for me (oh good grief, I’m still going to be putting his socks on for him when he’s nineteen) and have a gentle laugh at myself for that story.
Then, my son has his socks on, my pausing and responding met both our needs for support and ease (it was a much easier process than if I had yelled), and also efficiency and self-responsibility, care and kindness. He feels more grounded, loved, understood and connected because I took a few extra minutes to sit with him. Had I yelled, belittled, or shamed him, he would have had to work through that upset, steel himself to still get his socks on, and go to school having already had to overcome upset (needs for care, kindness, support, being seen, being understood, self-responsibility, efficiency, ease, connection left unmet by Mummy) in his first hour of being awake.
Socks or no socks, I want my children to go to school with their tanks full of connection, trust and belonging.