I love this post. It really clarifies, for me, what NVC accomplishes. It also reinforces my old idea that basically we mostly all want the same outcomes--we just have different ideas about how to get there.
Thank you, Helena. I'm so glad. Yes, one of the key assumptions of NVC is that we all have these same basic values, just different strategies to get to them. Thank you for this.
As a parent this kind of practical advice, specific scripts backed up by sound emotional logic, is invaluable. I just wish in the heat of the moment I could be eloquent and emotionally contained enough to master it… maybe like anything else it just takes practice.
Is there a codified structure Sarah? Something I can latch onto in those heated moments? Something like
Thank you for these questions. Does it just take practice? And is there a codified structure? Yes, *and*...
I'll split these up as I think I have a lot to write.
The heat of the moment is always going to be difficult and yes, for me, practice has made it less so. *And*, I still occasionally lose my cool.
Practice has looked like future-self journaling - noting in detail what my future self is going to do next time. So less, "next time I will be calm," and more, "when J does [xyz that tends to trigger me] I sit down on the floor so that I am below his eye level, take a deep breath, name some needs unmet to myself in this moment (e.g. peace, respect, honesty,), remind myself that those needs WILL be met later, I look him in the eye, practice my Patrick-Swayze-from-ghost thing, and ask him, are you worried about how I'm about to respond?".
The power of this is in the details - you are creating a new groove or pathway in your brain that you can go down next time this happens. Instead, you're not trying to start from scratch in the heat of the moment. You've been there, done that. Eventually you'll get the t-shirt.
There's also power in writing out this emotionally charged scenario. You're integrating your left brain (linear, linguistic, lists) and your right brain (emotion), which is hugely powerful. (You can look up Dan Siegel, Interpersonal Neurobiology for more info.)
The other thing that is hugely helpful to your future self responding vs reacting is the repair. I've written a lot about repair on here, which you can search.
- Main points - speedy repair brings us back into connection with our children quicker.
- Detailing what you wish you had done works similarly to the future self-journaling and works a little like a do-over for your kid. They get to imagine a different scenario.
- Disconnection/misattunement is inevitable because we're human. So the repair is where the power is.
I'll come back later two write about codifying a structure for yourself.
Is there a codified structure that you can latch onto in the heated moments?
I think what you're asking for is more access to self connection, more doors to take you *out* of the heat of the moment. And I am going to assume that this "heat" is you in trigger.
There is a codified structure of NVC, and it is deeply helpful for self connection and cooling the heat, but before that you need a pause. The pause is like the tiny opening in the door through which you can put your foot and then wedge your way through bit by bit. And I think *what* the pause is depends on the person and their stage in this process.
If you can find something that could jolt you in the moment, then you have access to the next piece of the wedge. It's the first piece of the pathway of "so thats". It can be something like, "as soon as this kid starts screaming in a way that feels like my ear drums might burst, I'll plug my ears, so that I can go get my ear defenders, so that I can come back and remain present, so that we can xyz". In this, if you can get your instinctual reaction to be to plug your ears rather than yell (I'm making this up obvs, you apply it to your life) then the plugging your ears is the pause you need to make the next move.
*Then* you can start acknowledging the needs, if that's your helpful next step.
The codified structure of NVC is OFNR. Observations, feelings, needs, requests.
Observations can give us some detachment from the moment. They can be a helpful step in the "so that" pathway.
Instead of "they're being a brat" which is full of emotion and judgement, you have, "they put their hand on their hip and said "you can't make me."" The observation is the truth. It's the description you could give to 20 different actors and they'd all replicate it the same way.
Feelings point to a need met or unmet. Beware of faux feelings. Ignored, attacked, betrayed, are not feelings. They're thoughts about what someone else has done.
Needs. They're what we need to thrive and they're universal. A point at which everyone is connected.
Requests. Not demands. So when you say "invite collaboration" for it to truly be an invitation, it is a request that you're open to hearing the "no". A request is an gift of information of how to make your life more wonderful.
All of that OFNR said, I find it helpful to find my pause, and then paint the word picture of what I want. It's a powerful step, that helps ground me and soften me. And then I have access to the OFNR.
So mine could go:
Pause (sit down/get ear defenders/name feeling and need) > paint word picture > offer empathy (feelings and needs for other person) > check if I got it > be present/offer opening > is there a way that works.
I don't know, every moment is different and there's a different way to meet it, and I've been practicing this hard since 2017 and I still mess up, but I get it more often than not now. But I think that's probably a general pattern of what I do.
Does that help at all? It seems awfully long-winded.
I love this post. It really clarifies, for me, what NVC accomplishes. It also reinforces my old idea that basically we mostly all want the same outcomes--we just have different ideas about how to get there.
Thank you, Helena. I'm so glad. Yes, one of the key assumptions of NVC is that we all have these same basic values, just different strategies to get to them. Thank you for this.
As a parent this kind of practical advice, specific scripts backed up by sound emotional logic, is invaluable. I just wish in the heat of the moment I could be eloquent and emotionally contained enough to master it… maybe like anything else it just takes practice.
Is there a codified structure Sarah? Something I can latch onto in those heated moments? Something like
acknowledge need > paint vision > articulate present reality > invite collaborative action
?
Thank you for these questions. Does it just take practice? And is there a codified structure? Yes, *and*...
I'll split these up as I think I have a lot to write.
The heat of the moment is always going to be difficult and yes, for me, practice has made it less so. *And*, I still occasionally lose my cool.
Practice has looked like future-self journaling - noting in detail what my future self is going to do next time. So less, "next time I will be calm," and more, "when J does [xyz that tends to trigger me] I sit down on the floor so that I am below his eye level, take a deep breath, name some needs unmet to myself in this moment (e.g. peace, respect, honesty,), remind myself that those needs WILL be met later, I look him in the eye, practice my Patrick-Swayze-from-ghost thing, and ask him, are you worried about how I'm about to respond?".
The power of this is in the details - you are creating a new groove or pathway in your brain that you can go down next time this happens. Instead, you're not trying to start from scratch in the heat of the moment. You've been there, done that. Eventually you'll get the t-shirt.
There's also power in writing out this emotionally charged scenario. You're integrating your left brain (linear, linguistic, lists) and your right brain (emotion), which is hugely powerful. (You can look up Dan Siegel, Interpersonal Neurobiology for more info.)
I have filled VOLUMES of journals doing this.
Here's the info about my Patrick Swayze trick: https://sarahkmongrowinghearths.substack.com/p/the-balm-of-seeing-our-children-part-166?utm_source=publication-search
The other thing that is hugely helpful to your future self responding vs reacting is the repair. I've written a lot about repair on here, which you can search.
- Main points - speedy repair brings us back into connection with our children quicker.
- Detailing what you wish you had done works similarly to the future self-journaling and works a little like a do-over for your kid. They get to imagine a different scenario.
- Disconnection/misattunement is inevitable because we're human. So the repair is where the power is.
I'll come back later two write about codifying a structure for yourself.
You had me at ‘Swayze’…
This is hugely valuable Sarah. Thank you. I will digest and report back.
Next piece.
Is there a codified structure that you can latch onto in the heated moments?
I think what you're asking for is more access to self connection, more doors to take you *out* of the heat of the moment. And I am going to assume that this "heat" is you in trigger.
There is a codified structure of NVC, and it is deeply helpful for self connection and cooling the heat, but before that you need a pause. The pause is like the tiny opening in the door through which you can put your foot and then wedge your way through bit by bit. And I think *what* the pause is depends on the person and their stage in this process.
If you can find something that could jolt you in the moment, then you have access to the next piece of the wedge. It's the first piece of the pathway of "so thats". It can be something like, "as soon as this kid starts screaming in a way that feels like my ear drums might burst, I'll plug my ears, so that I can go get my ear defenders, so that I can come back and remain present, so that we can xyz". In this, if you can get your instinctual reaction to be to plug your ears rather than yell (I'm making this up obvs, you apply it to your life) then the plugging your ears is the pause you need to make the next move.
*Then* you can start acknowledging the needs, if that's your helpful next step.
The codified structure of NVC is OFNR. Observations, feelings, needs, requests.
Observations can give us some detachment from the moment. They can be a helpful step in the "so that" pathway.
Instead of "they're being a brat" which is full of emotion and judgement, you have, "they put their hand on their hip and said "you can't make me."" The observation is the truth. It's the description you could give to 20 different actors and they'd all replicate it the same way.
Feelings point to a need met or unmet. Beware of faux feelings. Ignored, attacked, betrayed, are not feelings. They're thoughts about what someone else has done.
Needs. They're what we need to thrive and they're universal. A point at which everyone is connected.
Requests. Not demands. So when you say "invite collaboration" for it to truly be an invitation, it is a request that you're open to hearing the "no". A request is an gift of information of how to make your life more wonderful.
All of that OFNR said, I find it helpful to find my pause, and then paint the word picture of what I want. It's a powerful step, that helps ground me and soften me. And then I have access to the OFNR.
So mine could go:
Pause (sit down/get ear defenders/name feeling and need) > paint word picture > offer empathy (feelings and needs for other person) > check if I got it > be present/offer opening > is there a way that works.
I don't know, every moment is different and there's a different way to meet it, and I've been practicing this hard since 2017 and I still mess up, but I get it more often than not now. But I think that's probably a general pattern of what I do.
Does that help at all? It seems awfully long-winded.