Questioning Obedience - part 1

And 1 Simple Practice to Put in Place Instead

One simple, effective practice I do that has shifted the power dynamic between me and the kids towards more freedom, more choice, more authentic collaboration, trust and connection is this:

I’m okay with the “no”.

Before there’s any confusion, I am talking about a situation in which it is safe for our child to tell us no. There’s probably more than you think - where a “no” doesn’t create an emergency. So less around hey would you please stay buckled whilst we’re on the interstate. But more perhaps, would you please get me a box of cheerios from the basement? Clear?

In NVC we call this a request. When I offer a request, I am offering a gift to another person - information about how they can support me. It’s considered a gift because in NVC we hold the assumption that humans are wired to want to “make life more wonderful” for other people.

When I am totally okay with them saying no, I can ask without energetic charge, and without assigning unfair meaning (Brat!) to an answer I may receive. I don’t need them to do what I ask and I’m not looking for obedience. I’m not threatened or triggered by the no. I am relaxed. My request is just information for them about what would support me. The no is just information about what they’ve got going on in this moment. There’s no bigger meaning than that. Do you see the difference?

When we are totally okay with our children saying no, our energy shifts and they are free to access authentic motivation to serve us in some way.

This shift takes time. It is an ongoing effort for me to first check with myself to see if I am okay with the “no”. It is a separate effort for me to hear a “no” and remind myself that I welcome it.

But when the children yell (mine always yell), “Yes! I can do that!” and bounce away like Tigger, to fulfill my request with glee, I get to relish their authentic desire to serve me in that moment.

I wanted to write something about raising nonobedient children that is inspiring and hopeful and informative. I might do that. And I want to be clear that the truth is it’s really, really hard. My intrinsic memories pop up as a triggers, daily. And, to me, it doesn’t make sense to try to sugar coat it. I want to be more authentic than that.

Perhaps by acknowledging the difficulty of parenting in this way, against the societal norms, the light of meaning and purpose will shine through what is, in reality, a long-term investment. I want to write a post that stimulates in you a, huh, I hadn’t thought of it like that.

What I so, so want for parents and caregivers everywhere is for things to be easier, lighter, more joyous. But it isn’t easier. At least not in a linear way. There are ways in which it is sweeter for our soul, nurturing for our relationships and deepens our collective sense of mattering. But it’s not necessarily easier.

What do I mean by questioning obedience? Isn’t nonobedient the same as disobedient? And why is it a long term investment?

Let’s start with questioning obedience. Is obedience ever a goal that would be in line with my values?

The way I look at this is through the lens of NVC. What would be the needs met and unmet by obedient children? Needs met for me would be ease, and simplicity. Oh how much easier it would be if they would just do as they are told! But what do I have to do to them to make them obedient? And what are the unmet needs that result from what I do?

Shame, coercion, manipulation, and overpowering are all strategies to gain obedience. They’re also strategies that many people I witness interacting with children aren’t aware they’re employing. Yet, what’s lost for any child is a sense of being seen, being known, understood, and being seen for the innocence of their intentions, their sense of mattering and belonging. Is losing all that (which they will, over time, with repeated interactions designed to control them) - is losing all that really worth my sense of ease in the present moment? Not to me.

The word obedience implies, for me, a lack of freedom, and a lack of choice. It is a fear motivated orientation. Have you heard of The Altrustic Personality by Pearl and Sam Oliner? Shortened version: the people who stood by and watched their Jewish friends and neighbors be kidnapped by the Nazis grew up with parents who valued Old Testament obedience. The people who risked their lives to save and hide their Jewish friends from the Nazis had parents for whom understanding and reasoning was more important than obedience.

Also, to me, obedience is not respect. In NVC, respect is a universal need that everyone has. It has a life-serving orientation. Obedience can stimulate a response that looks like respect, but it isn’t coming from a life-serving orientation. It comes from a place based in fear. But it can look the same. That’s why obedience can meet needs for respect for the person in power. But for the person with less power, there is loss.

I want to live in a home where we all gain. I want to build trust and connection. But the path isn’t easy. I enjoy the goal, even if I don’t always enjoy the difficult moments. But for me the sweetest, sweetest piece is the authenticity within the collaborative moments.

I have more to say about obedience, but this seems to be long enough and I’d love to hear how all this is landing? What are your sweet and difficult moments?

Here is part 2.

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If you want to discuss what it would look like to bring these principles of Nonviolent Communication into your home, I am offering coaching and consultations.

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