This is very meaningful for me: "The no is just information about what they’ve got going on in this moment. There’s no bigger meaning than that." When a kid says no to me it does not mean that they don't value, respect or care for me. Remembering and integrating this is liberation! Thank you for this post!
So much to think about Sarah. I struggle a lot with obedience because as a Latin raised woman - obedient was probably one of the best things I could be. I am so often not ok with the no (specially when it comes to chores) - but you are right, there needs to be a deeper reflection of what they lose when I convince them to help 😬
Right, Virginia? So much to think about. So tough to move out of this paradigm, even though you and I have been on this journey for forever. Thank you for sharing.
Sarah, the first time I read this through I didn't let it sink in. I just re-read it and I am so loving the crystal clarity with which you are writing about WHY being ready to accept a "no" when making a request of our kids matters so much.
Another thing I notice is that you don't go into the reasons that so many people feel that children "should" obey, but rather the true needs behind parents wanting obedience. When my kids were young, some of my friends were into their kids obeying because it was analogous to "submitting to G-d's will". From their perspective, the world needs people in authority and G-d in authority over them, and the only way there will be order and security is if everyone submits to those in authority over them.
I so want to share your post with every one of those parents. If it could crack the door open just a tiny bit, so much light might shine through! Thank you so much for the clarity and vision in this post.
Thank you, Sarah. I found this educational and uplifting.
My first impulse was to forward the article to all of my friends who are parents. I desisted.
What I can do is carry this awareness, use it in my own life, and model it for others. Just having the right words handy -- "I'm okay with the 'No'." -- is a powerful tool.
OMG obedience is so outdated. Many children deemed problem kids are actually super compassionate but CANNOT in their very essence comply when it is an environment of control. Once it is about connection, co-creation and empathy for what is important to each, new solutions can arise that are usually win-win or at least can have mutual compassion for the "suck" of the situation at the very, very least.
Thank you, Lily. Unfortunately, even thought the science shows obedience leaves children with a sense of shame, it is so prevalent. Thank you for your thoughts.
I do think it vital we can have need-based conversations around these topics and that nothing is deemed off limits to talk about. Even if you hold more mainstream views toward the Government-as-parent, you would want to validate and hear fully your child's reasoning rather than shutthem down...unless you were a dictator operating on false pretense of caring...I love what you posted about the Nazis. I have written on this too. I love Vera Sherav, a holocaust survivor who links your topic and mine.
Also - even the word - dis - obedience is a framing I'd like to move beyond. The obedience is the issue. Not the dis. It is really more about our YES to being in alignment with our truth, in a loving way that honors the needs of others.
I love this. I want to share again it and I will. I so wish I'd had this when my kids were young - less for me than for many I knew who just didn't have access to this information and were trying their best, following guidance they trusted, but in the long run losing something precious.
This is very meaningful for me: "The no is just information about what they’ve got going on in this moment. There’s no bigger meaning than that." When a kid says no to me it does not mean that they don't value, respect or care for me. Remembering and integrating this is liberation! Thank you for this post!
Thank you!
So much to think about Sarah. I struggle a lot with obedience because as a Latin raised woman - obedient was probably one of the best things I could be. I am so often not ok with the no (specially when it comes to chores) - but you are right, there needs to be a deeper reflection of what they lose when I convince them to help 😬
Right, Virginia? So much to think about. So tough to move out of this paradigm, even though you and I have been on this journey for forever. Thank you for sharing.
Sarah, the first time I read this through I didn't let it sink in. I just re-read it and I am so loving the crystal clarity with which you are writing about WHY being ready to accept a "no" when making a request of our kids matters so much.
Another thing I notice is that you don't go into the reasons that so many people feel that children "should" obey, but rather the true needs behind parents wanting obedience. When my kids were young, some of my friends were into their kids obeying because it was analogous to "submitting to G-d's will". From their perspective, the world needs people in authority and G-d in authority over them, and the only way there will be order and security is if everyone submits to those in authority over them.
I so want to share your post with every one of those parents. If it could crack the door open just a tiny bit, so much light might shine through! Thank you so much for the clarity and vision in this post.
Thank you Pam! Love hearing how it spoke to you.
Thank you, Sarah. I found this educational and uplifting.
My first impulse was to forward the article to all of my friends who are parents. I desisted.
What I can do is carry this awareness, use it in my own life, and model it for others. Just having the right words handy -- "I'm okay with the 'No'." -- is a powerful tool.
Thank you David. I'm grateful to hear that it was so meaningful.
OMG obedience is so outdated. Many children deemed problem kids are actually super compassionate but CANNOT in their very essence comply when it is an environment of control. Once it is about connection, co-creation and empathy for what is important to each, new solutions can arise that are usually win-win or at least can have mutual compassion for the "suck" of the situation at the very, very least.
Thank you, Lily. Unfortunately, even thought the science shows obedience leaves children with a sense of shame, it is so prevalent. Thank you for your thoughts.
Even though. Added a t.
I am also a typo-master. However, thought has been missing from discussions on science. So I'm glad you put the T back in thoughtful science.
Say no to biodigial ID
It’s the bio-technocratic hack, a horrendous attack on the conscious engagement of your sovereignty
Say YES to life
To love to joy
To Daffodils
And tiny ant hills, but don’t step on them barefoot, oh boy
Yes to bees and roses and trees
Yes to hugging and sharing and connecting in free-spirited assembly
Say NO to all that would trample your rights
And YES to all that benefits the highest for all, and truly delights
YES to an open heart
Yes to a discerning mind
YES to beauty abundant, reverence for LIFE
YES to connection, to awe, to wonder
YES to being you, fully
NO to augmentation that is an anti-life abomination
YES to a celebration of the crystalline rising within
Bursting through the earth’s crust
When others despair, don’t give in
She’s rising
She’s celebrating her freedom too
And she’s on your side, if you want to experience your sovereign divinity through and through
I am a science geek and a lover of Truth and I see we are literally in a crisis where disobedience is required.
Shame was deliberately used on those who "disobeyed" during the last two years. https://nakedemperor.substack.com/p/why-anger-towards-the-unvaccinated?s=r
I hope I am not overwhelming you with my passion here...
I do think it vital we can have need-based conversations around these topics and that nothing is deemed off limits to talk about. Even if you hold more mainstream views toward the Government-as-parent, you would want to validate and hear fully your child's reasoning rather than shutthem down...unless you were a dictator operating on false pretense of caring...I love what you posted about the Nazis. I have written on this too. I love Vera Sherav, a holocaust survivor who links your topic and mine.
Also - even the word - dis - obedience is a framing I'd like to move beyond. The obedience is the issue. Not the dis. It is really more about our YES to being in alignment with our truth, in a loving way that honors the needs of others.
But if their need to is to control or exploit...well, they are operating in a way that does not honor other needs.
I love this. I want to share again it and I will. I so wish I'd had this when my kids were young - less for me than for many I knew who just didn't have access to this information and were trying their best, following guidance they trusted, but in the long run losing something precious.