Last week there was a glitch that wouldn’t let anyone reply. There was a note to say it was only for paid subscribers. That’s not what I do. Let’s have another go!
Hello fathers, husbands and masculine partners who subscribe to Growing Hearths,
There are many of you!!
In some future writings, I want to a bring needs-based lens to the systemic issues of fathering and masculine partnering in the home. I want to hear from you!
What are the pieces of being a father or partner that are the hardest for you?
Please answer if it serves you. It would be a gift to me and anyone else reading. I am imagining a sense of solidarity and shared reality growing.
If you want to answer, but wish to do so anonymously, you can send an email, and I can post your words here - or not, as you choose. Or, bonus points for figuring out how to answer here, but anonymously.
The core of it all is that contemporary men culture talks about everything- politics, sports, movies, TV series etc - but eschews talking about feelings without solutioning. That is the true cause for the loneliness epidemic: an entire generation of men don’t have the vocabulary to talk about what makes them angry, sad, happy without switching over to doing something about it. There’s something to be said about being deeply reflective that’s just not there.
You can see a version of this happening right here, in the lack of responses you’ve received so far.
Thing is, without being reflective, you tend to go directly into a bad spot. At some point, it’ll erupt into anger management problems or even worse.
I really get the loneliness bit. I am deeply grateful to be a part of a rich community and am oriented toward connection with men's groups, etc., and still, there were many months in the beginning of being a father--somewhere between working all the time and working all the time--where I felt lonely because my favorite person was directing her delicious curiosity toward this new human we had created together, and I can see why some fathers are not fans of this potential rite of passage, that process of becoming more and less at the same time. There was a sense of security and personal okayness that was forming in the few years before kiddo, but it hadn't really been tested.
I have absurdly high expectations of myself as a father. Which is saying a lot, given the context of my family of origin, but perhaps not saying much otherwise. I knew I needed to be a cycle-breaker if I was going to be a father at all. I also needed to do a metric ton of healing in my own body and for my ancestors, to not pass on what I inherited. I don't feel much around that now, as there's a lot of self-trust, and I do my best to repair after moments of activation, frustration, etc.
My wife is a somatic therapist with a primary attachment lens, so the bar is quite high already. We have a very collaborative way of parenting that is deeply aligned.
I definitely long for new ways to navigate the changing world. I have no idea what to prepare this little one for. But I also understand that I don't need to prepare him for any particular content; that's not my job. I understand my father-work to be about being there with and curious about him, validating and celebrating all that he is, guiding him toward his own intuition, asking good questions, doing thorough repair, and showing up for the hard moments with calm bones.
Still circling this question of what's hardest about this role, and what comes up is the feeling of when I'm fully committed, present, and have no agenda or expectation, mental time constraint, or attachment to things l've valued in the past like solitude and free time and the like, the part of being a father that is holding space for a human to learn how to be human and himself is not a particularly hard thing for me. But that's just one part of a larger ecosystem.
There is something about the monotony that is difficult sometimes. There's a dullness that shows up when he's doing his reps to lay down new neural pathways. A patient sort of dullness. We have a 16 month old. The family routine is rigid most days, and there are moments of just not being able to wash another fucking dish. But I'm willing, and I can do hard things, so I do it anyway.
Being responsible for the financial aspect of supporting the family has been a difficult transformation for me also. It is a whole education unto itself that I'm just learning in the past year or two, and reckoning my young reckless vagabond with the future-planning, I-want-my-kid-to-understand-money part has been a big wake up call.
Maybe there's more. There's probably more. That's all for now. I love your substack.
Test.
The core of it all is that contemporary men culture talks about everything- politics, sports, movies, TV series etc - but eschews talking about feelings without solutioning. That is the true cause for the loneliness epidemic: an entire generation of men don’t have the vocabulary to talk about what makes them angry, sad, happy without switching over to doing something about it. There’s something to be said about being deeply reflective that’s just not there.
You can see a version of this happening right here, in the lack of responses you’ve received so far.
Thing is, without being reflective, you tend to go directly into a bad spot. At some point, it’ll erupt into anger management problems or even worse.
I really get the loneliness bit. I am deeply grateful to be a part of a rich community and am oriented toward connection with men's groups, etc., and still, there were many months in the beginning of being a father--somewhere between working all the time and working all the time--where I felt lonely because my favorite person was directing her delicious curiosity toward this new human we had created together, and I can see why some fathers are not fans of this potential rite of passage, that process of becoming more and less at the same time. There was a sense of security and personal okayness that was forming in the few years before kiddo, but it hadn't really been tested.
I have absurdly high expectations of myself as a father. Which is saying a lot, given the context of my family of origin, but perhaps not saying much otherwise. I knew I needed to be a cycle-breaker if I was going to be a father at all. I also needed to do a metric ton of healing in my own body and for my ancestors, to not pass on what I inherited. I don't feel much around that now, as there's a lot of self-trust, and I do my best to repair after moments of activation, frustration, etc.
My wife is a somatic therapist with a primary attachment lens, so the bar is quite high already. We have a very collaborative way of parenting that is deeply aligned.
I definitely long for new ways to navigate the changing world. I have no idea what to prepare this little one for. But I also understand that I don't need to prepare him for any particular content; that's not my job. I understand my father-work to be about being there with and curious about him, validating and celebrating all that he is, guiding him toward his own intuition, asking good questions, doing thorough repair, and showing up for the hard moments with calm bones.
Still circling this question of what's hardest about this role, and what comes up is the feeling of when I'm fully committed, present, and have no agenda or expectation, mental time constraint, or attachment to things l've valued in the past like solitude and free time and the like, the part of being a father that is holding space for a human to learn how to be human and himself is not a particularly hard thing for me. But that's just one part of a larger ecosystem.
There is something about the monotony that is difficult sometimes. There's a dullness that shows up when he's doing his reps to lay down new neural pathways. A patient sort of dullness. We have a 16 month old. The family routine is rigid most days, and there are moments of just not being able to wash another fucking dish. But I'm willing, and I can do hard things, so I do it anyway.
Being responsible for the financial aspect of supporting the family has been a difficult transformation for me also. It is a whole education unto itself that I'm just learning in the past year or two, and reckoning my young reckless vagabond with the future-planning, I-want-my-kid-to-understand-money part has been a big wake up call.
Maybe there's more. There's probably more. That's all for now. I love your substack.