What If I Don't Deserve It?

And I Don't Have to Justify...

On display at the University of Washington Medical Center.

How many times have you heard yourself justify a choice by saying you deserved it?

I’m going to take a shower, because I deserve it.

I’m going to bake my kid the biggest birthday cake, because they deserve it.

I’m going to have a glass of wine, because I deserve it.

I’m going to eat that cookie, because I deserve it.

I’m going to buy that book I’ve been wanting to read, because I deserve it.

This paradigm that we’re in, when we’re saying that we deserve something, is part of the system that perpetuates shame, scarcity and separation.

Is there a parent who doesn’t deserve a shower? Is there a kid who doesn’t deserve the biggest birthday cake? (If you say yes, I’ll reach into this computer and smack you - nonviolently, of course). What caregiver doesn’t deserve a (large) glass of wine, a cookie and a good book? Preferably all three at the same time, no?

Still, even asking those questions keeps us in the right/wrong, deserving/unworthy paradigm. What if there was no such thing as deserving/unworthy? It is so much more meaningful to use the paradigm of needs.

How about, I am going to take a shower because I want to be clean, it’s been two days since I last washed I want some space to think and relax under the warm water? I need the rejuvenation I would get from the shower. I matter.

It’s much more meaningful than the over simplistic and unnecessary judgements in because I deserve it.

I am going to bake my kid the biggest birthday cake because I want to communicate how much I love being their adult, how much I love them. I want them to know that they matter and that they are seen.

If I focus on the needs for their mattering and being seen it opens up alternative strategies, beyond the biggest cake. I can recognize that that’s my strategy, and maybe a more effective strategy for communicating to kiddo that they are seen and they matter might be a rainbow bulldozer sparkly dinosaur birthday cake. And then I get to be creative.

I want a glass of wine because it will help me relax and enjoy cooking dinner. I can spice up the usual two-stepping in the kitchen and put on some Barry White, because I want to experience the joy and freedom of dancing, cooking and sipping some wine.

Okay, yes, for some people, a glass of wine isn’t the best plan. Let’s keep deserve thinking out of it. So not, I don’t deserve it, but I am choosing not to drink wine, because I want to maintain the harmony in my home that exists when I don’t drink. I want to maintain the sense of power in my world that I experience when I choose not to drink. I want to grow my sense of competence that I can handle what life throws at me and I can handle it much more efficiently when I don’t drink. I am not drinking that glass of wine because I matter.

Focusing on my needs opens me up to my own humanity and to the humanity of others. It helps me remember that just because xyz is my strategy for meeting a particular need, it isn’t necessarily the preferred strategy for anyone else.

But the language of needs is a universal language, one we can all understand. One person may have a strong attachment to drinking coffee in the morning because it helps them feel grounded and meets their need for order in their world. Another person may meet their need for order in their world with English Breakfast, served in a bone china tea pot. And even though I don’t have a strong attachment to either coffee or tea in the morning, I do have my own need for order, and so can understand why a person may experience coffee as the only appropriate morning beverage.

This morning I will go for a run because it meets my needs for space, freedom, movement, peace, clarity, spaciousness, nature. You may journal, float in a sensory deprivation chamber or hide in the bathroom to meet the same needs.

I stopped writing this post to color with my daughter, who had woken in a foul mood and needed support co-regulating. It met my needs for peace, support, care and kindness, being seen and mattering.

When I focus on the needs: more strategies open up; my humanity and others’ is more visible to me; and I get to see how many needs have been met in my day; the sense of power in my world increases, even if just slightly.

A focus on needs, as opposed to right/wrong-deserve thinking is a gift to our children. It can be an effective tool towards reducing shame, both our own internalized shame and the shame we try not to pass on to our children. It keeps us connected because these are needs that we all share, we all understand the needs.

Through needs, our children can experience being seen, heard and understood. They experience mattering and belonging. Not the only avenue, yes, but a really effective one.

For more on shifting the paradigm from deserve thinking to needs see this post.

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Does this make sense? What does it bring up for you?