You're amazing, Sarah. The sheer amount of emotional labor and work it takes to think all of this through, much less practice it in the moment (pray for me!), and you're doing it while undergoing chemo. I can't tell you how much I admire you and how grateful I am to you writing this newsletter.
Last night at bedtime, when I gently told my 8yo to please start preparing for bed, she came back with a very strong NO! and things didn't go well. They weren't terrible, but I know I can do better. And I feel myself getting immediately hooked into, why does she have this attitude? What if she starts refusing to do this every night? I have to have some power here! And I know none of that is helpful.
But YOU are helpful to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Oh Sarah, thank you so much for this. Yes. "Sheer amount of emotional labor and work...to practice" is absolutely true. Lucky for me, the thinking it through is fun and maybe a creative outlet. Writing it out is definitely helpful.
Bed time can be so hard! We also had a difficult bed time last night.
And of course you get hooked in! It's the end of the day, you've had a long day of work (I think), everyone is tired and why can't an 8 year old just get themselves into bed without fuss? It would be so much easier, right? All the stories we've been told about what SHOULD happen, and how our children SHOULD behave, and we get stimulated and it's so, so, SO hard to remember in the moment that they're just eight. And we're just human. And we're all tired. And I don't know about you but, for me, a NO, stimulates something deep to do with obedience. Oof.
You could practice for the future, responding with, "Oh, okay, you're not ready right now? or are you needing some help?" or something that is relevant to your child. Maybe legos need two more blocks or unicorn's horn isn't fully colored or something...
Also, I think even in a perfect household, if there was such a thing, there are going to be nights where there are difficult bed times. We are all human, and as such there is going to be conflict. We can't eliminate it. But what we can do is develop skills to help us navigate conflict with love towards more connection. And so even on the nights when things go badly, there's an inherent trust that this isn't for ever, and things will be okay in the morning. I am still loved, I still matter, this was just a tough moment.
Thank you so much. I so love hearing from you and hearing that this is a contribution to you. xxx
You nailed it: there was a deeper need. And after she went into the walk-in closet and curled up crying, I calmly followed, kept the light off, rubbed her back, and said, "What's going on right now?" And what came out had absolutely nothing -- NOTHING -- to do with bedtime, or being asked to get ready for sleep, or anything that seemed connected. She stated a need to be heard about an entirely different topic and I was able to immediately respond with understanding, compassion, and a promise to do better. I've been working on my parenting since the moment I learned I was pregnant but believe me when I say that you've added so much to my toolbox, and I feel so seen when you write posts, and I'm just incredibly grateful.
I love this. What a gift you gave her. There was the inevitable disconnect (inevitable because we're human, so if not last night, another time) and then there was the speedy repair. You heard and saw and understood her. How lucky she is to have you as a mama.
Also, my kid is sick today, and I had a little of this happen behind the scenes of my unconscious: "I wonder why I have such a strong reaction to my child being sick." But maybe it was cleaning vomit off the couch at 1 am. Sigh.
You're amazing, Sarah. The sheer amount of emotional labor and work it takes to think all of this through, much less practice it in the moment (pray for me!), and you're doing it while undergoing chemo. I can't tell you how much I admire you and how grateful I am to you writing this newsletter.
Last night at bedtime, when I gently told my 8yo to please start preparing for bed, she came back with a very strong NO! and things didn't go well. They weren't terrible, but I know I can do better. And I feel myself getting immediately hooked into, why does she have this attitude? What if she starts refusing to do this every night? I have to have some power here! And I know none of that is helpful.
But YOU are helpful to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Oh Sarah, thank you so much for this. Yes. "Sheer amount of emotional labor and work...to practice" is absolutely true. Lucky for me, the thinking it through is fun and maybe a creative outlet. Writing it out is definitely helpful.
Bed time can be so hard! We also had a difficult bed time last night.
And of course you get hooked in! It's the end of the day, you've had a long day of work (I think), everyone is tired and why can't an 8 year old just get themselves into bed without fuss? It would be so much easier, right? All the stories we've been told about what SHOULD happen, and how our children SHOULD behave, and we get stimulated and it's so, so, SO hard to remember in the moment that they're just eight. And we're just human. And we're all tired. And I don't know about you but, for me, a NO, stimulates something deep to do with obedience. Oof.
You could practice for the future, responding with, "Oh, okay, you're not ready right now? or are you needing some help?" or something that is relevant to your child. Maybe legos need two more blocks or unicorn's horn isn't fully colored or something...
Also, I think even in a perfect household, if there was such a thing, there are going to be nights where there are difficult bed times. We are all human, and as such there is going to be conflict. We can't eliminate it. But what we can do is develop skills to help us navigate conflict with love towards more connection. And so even on the nights when things go badly, there's an inherent trust that this isn't for ever, and things will be okay in the morning. I am still loved, I still matter, this was just a tough moment.
Thank you so much. I so love hearing from you and hearing that this is a contribution to you. xxx
You nailed it: there was a deeper need. And after she went into the walk-in closet and curled up crying, I calmly followed, kept the light off, rubbed her back, and said, "What's going on right now?" And what came out had absolutely nothing -- NOTHING -- to do with bedtime, or being asked to get ready for sleep, or anything that seemed connected. She stated a need to be heard about an entirely different topic and I was able to immediately respond with understanding, compassion, and a promise to do better. I've been working on my parenting since the moment I learned I was pregnant but believe me when I say that you've added so much to my toolbox, and I feel so seen when you write posts, and I'm just incredibly grateful.
I love this. What a gift you gave her. There was the inevitable disconnect (inevitable because we're human, so if not last night, another time) and then there was the speedy repair. You heard and saw and understood her. How lucky she is to have you as a mama.
May I cross-post this one to my audience?
Yes please! Thank you, Kate! Didn't know that was possible.
Yes, there are these 2 arrows and it says cross-post. I have done it a few times with other authors I love and want to recommend.
Also, my kid is sick today, and I had a little of this happen behind the scenes of my unconscious: "I wonder why I have such a strong reaction to my child being sick." But maybe it was cleaning vomit off the couch at 1 am. Sigh.
That'll do it! Dang, that sounds tough.