Alternative Narratives with the Help of NVC
Shifting the Paradigm
Sitting in the infusion suite, while I waited for pills and fluids and a port access, I scrolled through some parenting advice videos. A few got my back up, because even though technically the advice was spot on, it was clear that it still came from a paradigm of right/wrong, either/or, ownership of children, children are beings to control or manipulate etc etc.
Paradigm shifting is difficult for many people. And even once it has shifted for some people, me included, it’s still hard to know how to respond when there isn’t a model right in front of us.
(And, for transparency, even when there is the model, and I’ve practiced it several times, and I am immersed in the new paradigm, I still get triggered and go back to what comes up naturally.)
For me, this shift wasn’t difficult, but I still needed a script to try on, to see if it fitted with my energy.
So here are some scripts. See if they fit with the energy you’re bringing. If not, what can you do to shift your energy and see, really see, your child?
Instead of: My child has these flaws.
Try: My child is a tiny, still-learning human, and expresses themself in the best way they can with the tools that they have in the moment.
Instead of: When my child is being selfish….
Try: Observation. My child said no when asked to share their chocolate milk, this morning.
Try: Age appropriate expectation. In general, two year olds (and three, four and five year olds) are incapable of thinking of others before themselves. And therefore, is it really true selfishness if it’s not an option?
Try: Observation, feeling, need, request (OFNR). My ten year old continues to take the last orange without asking if anyone else would like it. I feel frustrated because I want to know that I am raising a child that cares for other people. I want reassurance that I am a good parent. I wonder if I can adjust my expectations, approach my ten year old with curiosity and see if we can work out a way that would make it easier for them to check, in a way that meets my need for mattering. What is it they are needing?
Instead of: My child doesn’t listen.
Try: Observation and self-reflection. My child didn’t do what I asked in this moment and I have an unrealistic expectation of immediate obedience, because of how I was parented.
Try: OFNR. When I asked child to brush their teeth after breakfast and they said no and continued playing with legos, I felt frustrated because I need reassurance that I am a “good parent” and am taking care of their oral health, and also my need for power in that moment was totally unmet. I wonder if I can think on this and come up with other ways for meeting my need for power in my world and also works towards them getting their teeth brushed in a way that maintains connection.
Instead of: My child is disrespectful.
Try: OFNR. When my child puts their hand on their hip and yells, “you can’t make me,” I flush with anger because my need for respect is not met. I wonder if I can check to make sure I have reasonable expectations.
Try: Age appropriate expectations: Hmmm, my five year old has had a long day out with friends and it was lots of noise and lights and they didn’t sleep well last night and they are close to a meltdown. This is actually an effort for them to not melt. What can I do to support them in this moment? Is a five year old even capable of respect?
Try: Getting curious, with feelings and needs. You sound so angry. Was that hard to hear me ask that of you?
Instead of: They’re doing this on purpose. They know it makes me angry!
Try: Curiosity. Self-responsibility. I wonder what they have going on that they’re stuck in this cycle. I want to assume that they don’t like this dynamic. I have the capacity to shift it with my response. How can I respond in a way that sees and understands them, and removes the charge from this situation?
Instead of: I know they’re capable of doing this task I demanded. They’re just being lazy/mean/disprespectful/[other judgement] by not doing it today.
Try: I wonder what they have going on in this moment that they need extra support today. Even if I don’t figure it out, I am going to assume they just need extra support. How can I offer that to them? Have they already let me know how?
Instead of: I am going to tell them because should know how much they upset me.
Try: Self responsibility through feelings and needs. When my child did xyz, I felt frustrated because I wanted it to be easy. I felt sad, because I wanted to be seen. I felt afraid, because I so want them to be seen for their beauty and when they do that, I don’t trust that others will see them the way I do. I felt embarrassed, because I want the emotional safety I experience when I’m not worried others will judge me or my parenting.
Try: Assessment of self and context. I will communicate the impact on me when I am calm, fully self responsible for my feelings and needs and can present the impact as a gift - useful information for the future. Before this I will assess whether this is likely to be received as blame or as my child being responsible for my reactions. I will assess whether they are old enough to receive this information, and if it can be used as the gift I intend.
Instead of: They aren’t that sick and I don’t want them to learn they can fake sickness to get out of xyz.
Try: Curiosity of self and others with feelings and needs. Hmmm, I wonder why I have such a strong reaction to my child being sick. I feel sad that the first story I come up with is that they are faking or will learn to fake it. I go to an assumption of dishonesty before compassion. When they say they feel sick, my need for integrity is not met. Why? Maybe I have an internalized belief that to be of value, means you are never sick. I aim to believe my child and make my presence a safe space for them to feel poorly.
Was this helpful? Let me know your thoughts, if you’re willing to share. It would be a gift to me.
My other paradigm shift posts:
The Paradigm Shift
You're amazing, Sarah. The sheer amount of emotional labor and work it takes to think all of this through, much less practice it in the moment (pray for me!), and you're doing it while undergoing chemo. I can't tell you how much I admire you and how grateful I am to you writing this newsletter.
Last night at bedtime, when I gently told my 8yo to please start preparing for bed, she came back with a very strong NO! and things didn't go well. They weren't terrible, but I know I can do better. And I feel myself getting immediately hooked into, why does she have this attitude? What if she starts refusing to do this every night? I have to have some power here! And I know none of that is helpful.
But YOU are helpful to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
May I cross-post this one to my audience?