I love this, Sarah! Love love love it! And there is a "but what about" - I realize as I read this now, I depend on my kids as a source of love and acceptance. I know it's not fair to them when they are young! but them saying they love me fills my heart and them saying they hate me is painful because of the things you mention, but also because I want love and acceptance. <3
This makes sense, and I am so glad you wrote. Thank you.
My first thought is, of course! Of course, your heart fills up when they say they love you and it's painful when they say they hate you.
And, there are layers. It can be painful when they say they hate you for different reasons, depending on the meaning you are making of it. AND you can be self-responsible with that pain. That pain points towards unmet needs right? And our unmet needs are created in the current meaning-making context.
For me, if my child says they hate me, and I believe it, that's a different pain, from if my child says they hate me and I know: that they haven't eaten recently; had a long day yesterday; had a crazy busy, fun-filled day today; and now have asked for a cookie before bed and I said no. I can look at what's going on for them and I might have already anticipated this upset when I said no to the cookie. I might have made the assumption that they knew I would say no and they were really looking for a release button for all the pent up emotions and now the "I hate you" is part of that. They are in a safe place to release those emotions.
So, the meaning-making context we have will shape the type of pain we have (it's hard to see our children hurting so much they say they hate us) and the self-responsibility is key to what we do with the pain that is stimulated by the "I hate you".
Even if we are clear on the context, we still have a need for love and acceptance, and we can find other strategies to meet those needs at those times when our children are unable to.
You're far from anything remotely resembling cold or heartless. Anyone that writes this is both an optimist and, without a doubt, a caring, loving mother, cheers: "They, like you (out on a limb here) want to have close, loving, connected conversations with effective communication and truth sharing, acknowledgement and kindness flowing all around, like cherry blossoms flying in the wind." (I so wish and hope this was true for every human being--at least in the core of our nature)
I love this, Sarah! Love love love it! And there is a "but what about" - I realize as I read this now, I depend on my kids as a source of love and acceptance. I know it's not fair to them when they are young! but them saying they love me fills my heart and them saying they hate me is painful because of the things you mention, but also because I want love and acceptance. <3
Thank you, Pam!
This makes sense, and I am so glad you wrote. Thank you.
My first thought is, of course! Of course, your heart fills up when they say they love you and it's painful when they say they hate you.
And, there are layers. It can be painful when they say they hate you for different reasons, depending on the meaning you are making of it. AND you can be self-responsible with that pain. That pain points towards unmet needs right? And our unmet needs are created in the current meaning-making context.
For me, if my child says they hate me, and I believe it, that's a different pain, from if my child says they hate me and I know: that they haven't eaten recently; had a long day yesterday; had a crazy busy, fun-filled day today; and now have asked for a cookie before bed and I said no. I can look at what's going on for them and I might have already anticipated this upset when I said no to the cookie. I might have made the assumption that they knew I would say no and they were really looking for a release button for all the pent up emotions and now the "I hate you" is part of that. They are in a safe place to release those emotions.
So, the meaning-making context we have will shape the type of pain we have (it's hard to see our children hurting so much they say they hate us) and the self-responsibility is key to what we do with the pain that is stimulated by the "I hate you".
Even if we are clear on the context, we still have a need for love and acceptance, and we can find other strategies to meet those needs at those times when our children are unable to.
Does that address what you were talking about?
Yes. And I have tears in my eyes. Thanks, Sarah. I want every parent to read this!
I thought I loved #2 the most. And then I got to #3, and #4. All so helpful. So actually doable (with intention and deep breaths and remembering).
With intention and deep breaths is right. Thank you!
You're far from anything remotely resembling cold or heartless. Anyone that writes this is both an optimist and, without a doubt, a caring, loving mother, cheers: "They, like you (out on a limb here) want to have close, loving, connected conversations with effective communication and truth sharing, acknowledgement and kindness flowing all around, like cherry blossoms flying in the wind." (I so wish and hope this was true for every human being--at least in the core of our nature)
Thank you! I know I'm not really, objectively, cold and heartless, and still that's my story. Thank you for your message.