How Do I Not Take This Personally?

Transcending

“You are the worst.” On an eraser. Pretty sure “you” means me.

You’re such a darn mummy. I hate you! You’re the worst mummy in the world. I am the saddest I have ever been in my entire life and it’s ALL BECAUSE OF YOU! *Eye roll*. *Door SLAM*. You never… You always… I wish I didn’t exist. I hate you all of you. Nobody loves me.

How, oh how, do I not take this personally?

I am one of the lucky mothers who doesn’t crumble at the vicious words of her kidlets. Maybe this is because I began a practice of seeing them, early - way before they could speak thorny sentences of poison. Maybe it’s because I’m cold and heartless and my internal orientation is to dismiss anything that points a finger at me. In my own, crushing, self-judgment, the latter is what rings more true. It doesn’t matter. Here’s what does.

Our children want to be seen, heard and understood. And sometimes, because we’re all human, that doesn’t happen. It is a fact of the nature of our humanness.

They, like you (out on a limb here) want to have close, loving, connected conversations with effective communication and truth sharing, acknowledgement and kindness flowing all around, like cherry blossoms flying in the wind.

So what can we do when our kiddos lose their cool and seemingly (notice the seemingly) try their best to verbally cut to pieces the people they love most in the world?

1. Age appropriate expectations.

   
   Is your child four? Are they seven? Are they a pre-tween? Are they a child? Oh, well, there you go. (Yes, this is flippant, and there’s a more than a bushel of truth to it.)
   
   In other words, what are your expectations, and what is your child capable of? (Notice that we adults haven’t mastered speaking kindly when triggered.) Mona Delahooke calls this The Expectation Gap. It’s helpful to close it.
   

2. What needs are left unmet for you, when this happens?
   
   A sense of competence? You HAVE to know that you’re at least a Good-Enough parent, right? Even if in this moment you are clearly not the perfect parent - an attainable goal! says your self-sabotaging brain.
   
   A concern that you will be judged for your parenting? Could the people who think they can do it better, please stand up? Oh, there’s a lot of you.

   
   Is your child’s safety at stake - either in reality or in your brain?
   
   Are you wanting connection?
   
   Do you long for more trust?

   
   Do you want to be seen for how stinking hard you try, day after day?
   
   And what does this boil down to? Peace of mind, perhaps? Emotional safety - i.e. freedom from the harsh judgments of ourselves and others around our parenting?

   
   Then, bring compassion to yourself.
   
   Of course! Of course I am taking this personally. I have a deep fear of rejection and I worry that when my child behaves like this, other adults will judge me and I will lose my sense of belonging.
   
   Yes! How can I not take this personally when my sense of competence as a parent is so attached to the behaviour of my child being affectionate. Now that I know that I can uncouple those two things and move forward with more authenticity and greater freedom.

   
   Ultimately, our brains are trying to keep us safe.
   

3. What are your children trying to communicate? What are their needs?

   
   Pro-tip: it’s not that you’re the worst dad in the world.

   
   More towards:
   I was trying to tell you something and you didn’t even care. (I need you to hear me!)
   
   I tried so hard and the only thing you had to tell me was what I could have done better. (I want you to see me!)
   

   It was my birthday yesterday and it was an insanely long day and this morning I woke up too early and now all these things that I can normally handle that are still difficult are suddenly overwhelming and I can’t cope. (I need you to see me!)
   
   Yes, I pulled a face at my sibling but you didn’t see all the things that they did that got to me and the only thing you’ve heard about is what I did and now you’re only mad at me and they get away with EVERYTHING. (I want to be understood!)
   

   I want you to see that my yelling horrid things at you is my way of asking for help! I need to know that you can handle this (a sense of safety and security) and that you know why I am behaving like this (see the innocence of my intentions).

4. What else have they had going on?

   
   Late nights? Trouble with friends? Too much screen time? Too little screen time? Arguing coparents?** Hormones? Siblings? Not enough down time? Too much down time?
   

5. What tools do they have in their toolbox?

   
   If they’re four, there’s really very few that they can put to good use in a moment of melt or trigger. Here, the alternative to taking it personally is (yes, unfortunately it comes down to you again) your attunement. As Mona Delahooke says, attunement is the scaffolding of future self-regulation.
   
   If they’re nine, a serious meltdown may now be a rarity. And still it asks for attunement. And the attunement we have offered in previous times provides the scaffolding now, so difficult moments become easier. Perhaps, through sensitive observation, we realize that this is a moment to let all the feelings out. Or we may also know that for this specific child and upset letting them know that you hear them and understand them and suggesting an alternative thing to think about is the most helpful option, because you know they can spiral down.
   

6. How do you want to take it?

   
   With understanding? With curiosity? In a way that brings the two of you together? Ah! See steps one through four.

Behold the gloriousness of pink and red tulips and a blue sky.

The more we can see our children, understand them, know them, the harder it is to take things personally. The lens of needs really helps us to get to the deepest truth underneath their upset; helps us really know them. And when we see what’s going on for their growing brains and bodies, it is much harder for us to remain in our triggers of not-being-a-good-enough-parent, or other-parents-are-going-to-judge-me, or whatever nonsense your brain is trying to tell you, to keep you safe.

Does this make sense? Any, but-what-abouts?

Any questions or sharing that I can answer are a gift to everyone who reads this. You never know who it will help.

**Coming soon: effective, kind, and truthful-while-caring arguing that you can do in front of your kids. This will not be the title.