Limit Setting Without the Power Struggle
Or sternness or shame, but with needs.
There’s something about limit setting without power struggles that feels like such…an anticlimax.
There’s no Hah! I won. No, that’ll learn ‘em, no satisfaction that they’ll definitely think twice before trying that limit again.
It just happens. We kind of slide into it, barely noticing there was a limit held.
Here’s an example:
The children had spent the day outside and were filthy, as they so often are. I said to my five year old something like, “now is a good time to get you in the bath.”
She responded with a simple, “no.”
My immediate and fleeting reaction was one of small panic because I sooooo wanted this to be easy. Fortunately, I have had a lot of practice with something Janet Lansbury calls Confident Momentum and was able to recognize what was going on in me. I was able to look at my daughter and see in her face that this wasn’t defiance and therefore she would not have a bath. She was just asserting her five year old independence.
And so, I was able to quickly relax, look her in the eye and respond with,
“Okay!”
And then I added,
“Well I’m going to go run a warm bath and put some lavender salts in it.”
Before I finished the sentence I had begun walking towards the bathroom and she was trotting after me.
As she lifted her arms for me to take off her top, she said something else about not having a bath. I responded in that same relaxed manner: acknowledging - not ignoring - and then keeping going. Then she had a fun half hour floating around and blowing bubbles under the water.
She had her bath. My limit was around her getting into bed with filthy feet (though I never voiced it) and my preferred strategy was a bath because that’s easy for me and gives me space to make dinner and peace while kiddos are temporarily separated. But I could have had a different strategy.
There was no drama. No power struggle, because I’m not looking for obedience. No don’t you tell me no! you’re jolly well going to get in the bath whether you like it or not.
She just…had a bath. That was it. I’m not sure she even noticed the limit was set. I’m not sure I noticed I held it. I didn’t win. She didn’t lose. Because I saw her, and understand her age and stage of development, we maintained our connection. We stayed together.
Another example:
“Okay, if we’re going to be there on time, we need to leave in half an hour.”
“No. I’m not going. I hate going out and I’m not going. I’m staying here.”
“Yeah, I don’t want to go either.”
And then I go get his clothes and help him into them because, even though he’s seven and very capable of getting dressed, he’s distressed at the idea of being stuck in the car for two hours and being away from the safety of home. And the connection time that we have as I help him into his clothes sets him up for success during the car ride, which sets me up for listening to endless banter and questions and “Mummy, are you listening or are you just giving automatic responses?” Sigh.
We still get in the car and go. But again, there’s no power struggle. Annoyance at being gone, yes. Disruption, yes. But still connection and togetherness in getting ready for the trip.
What I haven’t done is coerce an okay, I’ll go out of him. I didn’t get him to agree to it. I didn’t say, oh, but it’ll be okay/ it won’t be that bad / when I was your age…/you are so lucky…etc etc etc. Instead I acknowledged, I tried to see what was going on for him, and then I understood that he needed support with his forward momentum and I largely kept my mouth shut. This was my trip not his.
And so in the end, we just got in the car and left. No big deal.
What both of these examples have in common, and how they relate to NVC is that I was able to see my children and what was going on for them, I understood their perspective and I didn’t give them a power struggle that they would have had a hard time navigating. In doing that they got to stay in their own power of I don’t want to and I got to model an empowered, grounded response. We maintained our connection. Trust was maintained.
I’m glad it happens sometimes, at least.
If you want to discuss what it would look like to bring the principles of Nonviolent Communication into your home, I am offering NVC coaching.
I also have a free workshop/circle where I will guide you through the a shame-free repair process - a crucial step in building and maintaining trust and connection with our children. Sign up here.